5 stages of being single: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, texting your ex something random then going like "sorry wrong message".
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Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my dog's paw and he pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.
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Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?
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I was drinking my coffee in a coffeehouse when a beautiful girl came near my table and asked me:
"Are you alone?"
So I responded: "It's a long time that I'm alone."
"So do you mind me to take this chair?" said the girl.
I fainted...
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My girlfriend told me that will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend!
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Me: "I'm so lonely."
Person: "Hey!"
Me: "Leave me alone."
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My ex-girlfriend loves the heat.
She has a nostalgia for hell.
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"You're single and I'm single too! You know what that means?"
"What"
"We're both ugly!"
Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A: They already have boyfriends.
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My girlfriend always wanted to know the future job of her baby; so the other day when we were making sex suddenly she farted.
I told her: "Your baby will be a bugler."
A 67 year old Billionaire from Yorkshire marries a 26 year old woman and takes her down the pub to introduce to his mates...
When his mates see him walk through the door with his new wife they can't believe their eyes.
"By eck old lad! How av you managed to pull a reyt nice lass like her?"
The Yorkshireman replies, "It was easy! I gave her a bit of the old Yorkshire charm and then just lied about my age as well."
"Ah I see, so you told her you was fotty?" Asks his friend.
"No ya daft bugger! I told her I was 90!"
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