Question: How can you tell that an attorney is about to lie?
Answer: His lips begin to move.
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Q: How many lawyers does it take to plaster a wall?
A: It depends how hard you throw them.
Why do they bury lawyers in 20ft holes?
Because deep down they’re all really nice guys.
A loan shark asks a lawyers advice:
How can I get back my $1,000 from Johnny if I lost my loan receipt?
Send a letter where you will write to him to send you the $2,000 he owns you.
Ok but I only loaned him $1,000!
That’s the idea, we want to get from hem a proof that he owns you $1,000...
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
A command was given to a dog: "SPEAK!"
The dog said in return: "Not without my lawyer present!"
Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other?
They are seperated by a big chain-link fence.
Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand.
God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers.
He called the devil over and said “Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence.”
Satan agreed.
The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence…but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before.
“Satan!” beckoned God.
“You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!”
“Yeah? What if I don’t?” replied the devil.
“I’ll sue you if I have to,” answered God.
“Sure,” laughed Satan. “Where are you going to find a lawyer?”
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.
The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked, "How do you handle the situation when you are asked for advice during a social function?"
"Just send an account for such advice" replied the lawyer.
On the next morning the doctor arrived at his surgery and issued the ulcer-stricken man a $50 account.
That afternoon he received a $100 account from the lawyer.
The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer.
"I can arrange some things for you," the devil said.
"I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment.
"What's the catch?" he asked.
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office.
Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck.
The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"