As an ion chromatography chemist I made this one up:
Anions aren't negative, they're just misunderstood.
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The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
A man who wants to murder his wife goes in a pharmacy and asks for cyanide.
"I'm sorry sir, but I can't give you cyanide just like that."
Without a word, the man takes out his wife's photograph and holds it in front of him.
The pharmacist apologizes, "My mistake, I didn't realize you had a prescription."
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Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For hispanic attacks.
The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-.
These are also Chuck Norris' initials.
This is not a coincidence.
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Little Johnny was a chemist.
Little Johnny is no more.
What he thought was H2O was H2SO4.
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My mother in law's farts are so horrible that I can rent her to governments for using instead of chemical weapons for destroying their enemies!
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Q: Why can't lawyers do NMR?
A: Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.