What do you call a turtle with a hard on? A slow poke.
I got a cat the other day. I had to swerve, but I got it.
A man was shipwrecked with his dog and a sheep on a tiny island in the middle of nowhere. Everytime the man moved close to the sheep, his dog would snarl and growl at him. One day while walking the island he discovered a lovely naked lady who also had just become marooned. "Finally, some company!" he thought. While sitting on the shore and the watching the sunset with his new female friend, he slowly leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Hey, could you go walk the dog?"
If a four-legged animal is a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped. What's a tiger? A stri-ped.
What’s a mouse’s favorite record? Please cheese me!
What happens when you kiss a canary? You get chirpes, it can't be tweeted because its a canarial disease.
What is a bear's favourite drink? Koka-Koala.
Two neighbors had been fighting each other for nigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog. So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. After about a year and a half of Bob's cow crapping in Bill's yard; being ignored all the while, a semi pulls up in front of Bill's house. Bob runs over and demands to know what's in the 18-wheeler. 'My new pet elephant,' Bill replies solemly.
Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.
What do cows read at the breakfast table? The moospaper.