What do you call a turtle with a hard on? A slow poke.
What do you call a frog with no legs? It doesn't matter- he won't come anyway.
When is the best time to fake an orgasm? When a rottweiler is humping your leg.
A blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go." "But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered. But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."
Look over there! Said the frightened skunk to his pal. "There's a human with a gun, and he's getting closer and closer! What are we going to do?" To which the second skink calmly replied, "Let us spray ."
What's black and white and rolls down the Boardwalk? A nigger and a seagull fighting over a French Fry.
Q: What do women and cats have in common? A: Pussy farts.
What do you give a deer with an upset stomach? Elkaseltzer.
Yo Mamma so stupid she put on bug spray before she goes to the flee market!
There is a lady laying in bed. At about midnight her husband comes walking in with a sheep under his arm and says ”That’s the fat pig I’ve been sleeping with when I’m not sleeping with you.” His wife gets a confused look on her face and states ”but honey that’s not a pig its a sheep.” Her husband says ”Shut up pig I’m talking to the sheep!”
How do you make a cat be a dog? Pour gasoline on it and light it with a match. It will go 'WOOF.'