Exasperated dragon on the field of battle: "Mother said there would be knights like this."
Q:What happened when Smokey the Bear started the forest fire? A: He got arrested just like you would've.
A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper which read: "Purebred Police Dog $25." Thinking that to be a great bargain, she called and ordered the dog to be delivered. The next day a van arrived at her home and delivered the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen. In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad, "How dare you call that mangy-mutt a purebred police dog?" "Don't let his looks deceive you, ma'am," the man replied, "He's in the Secret Service."
What's the definition of a nervous breakdown? A chameleon on a tartan rug.
I got a cat the other day. I had to swerve, but I got it.
What happened to the frog's car when his parking meter expired? It got toad!!
Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says; I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it." "Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?" "Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator. "Hm. Well, where do you catch 'em?" "Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp." "Same here. Hm. How do you catch 'em?" "Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite 'em, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!" "Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a lawyer, there's nothing left but lips and a briefcase..."
What do you call an operation on a rabbit? A hare-cut.
"Waiter, what is this hare doing in my salad?" "I believe he's eating your lettuce."
Animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.