Me: "I'm finally happy!"
Life: "Lol, wait a sec."
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Q: What is the worst thing an emergency doctor can tell you after admitting your MIL?
A: Sir, we were able to save her!
Vote:
A guy goes out one day, hunting for bear.
After a few hours in the forest, he finally sees a giant grizzly.
He gets the bear in the rifle's sight and is about to pull the trigger when he feels a tap on his shoulder.
It's another bear. 'Buddy,' the bear says, 'that's my best friend down there.
I can rip your head off right now, or you can suck my dick.
What's it gonna be?'
Fearing for his life, the hunter says 'I'll suck your dick, Mr. Bear.'
The next day, hungry for revenge, the hunter returns to the woods and sees the same bear.
But as soon as he lines up the bear in his sights, he feels a tap on his shoulder. 'Buddy,' says the bear.
'Today, I can rip your head off or you can fuck me in the ass.'
Again fearing for his life, the hunter replies, 'I'll fuck you in the ass Mr.Bear.'
The next day, furious at what has happened to him, the hunter returns to the forest in order to kill same bear.
Once again, he gets the bear in his rifle sights when he feels a tap on his shoulder.
The bear shakes his head at the hunter and says, 'You don't come here for the hunting do you?'
The organizers of the concert complain to the conductor of a choir:
You were supposed to bring a mixed choir, but I can see only men here.
But it is a mixed choir – half of them know how to sing, and the other half- do not.
A director’s wife hears that her husband has a new secretary.
The director comes home and the wife starts putting questions:
Does this new secretary of yours have nice legs?
I don’t know.
What color do her eyes have?
I didn’t notice...
But about dressing, how does she dress?
Very fast...
Whats the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?
One sells watches and one watches cells.
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake.
"I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says.
He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby.
"I can’t leave," the doctor says.
But here’s what to do.
Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground."
The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony.
‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks.
"He says you’re gonna die."
Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House.
She has waited so long…
The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don’t know about that."
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears…
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
"Oh! I really don’t want to do that."
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears…
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."
A: How do children in Baghdad do?
A: Bombastically.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life.
Vote:
In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.
Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?!"
"Well," said the guy, "you see, I’m a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can’t help practicing my art!"
"That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!" the guy replied.
"I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"