Joke #11819

Me: "I'm finally happy!" Life: "Lol, wait a sec."
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has 78.15 % from 31 votes. More jokes about: life

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A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." "What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back. "Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible." "When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest. "I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards." "Is that when you swore?" "No, Father." Said the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away." Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again. "Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!" "Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest. "No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest. "No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole." "You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest.
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has 78.55 % from 38 votes. More jokes about: life
Why wasn't Jesus born in Tennessee? They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin...
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has 55.34 % from 22 votes. More jokes about: god, life
A photographer goes to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a ghost on Halloween. The ghost he encounters turns out to be friendly and poses for a snapshot. The happy photographer later downloads his photos and finds that the photos are underexposed and completely blank. Moral of the story: The spirit is willing, but the flash is weak.
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has 67.69 % from 32 votes. More jokes about: business, Halloween, life
A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw." From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!" "Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel." "You tightwad!" blurts the spectator. "Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill." "You cheap son of a... " the spectator starts to shout. The judge thunders back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?" "I've lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"
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has 83.51 % from 239 votes. More jokes about: death, life, time
What do mopeds and fat ladies have in common? They're both a great ride until someone sees you on one.
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has 52.41 % from 33 votes. More jokes about: life
Mexicans cross the border 1...2...and 4 at one time, never 3. why? Because the sign says - no tres passing.
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has 59.05 % from 73 votes. More jokes about: life, mexican
You are so selfish! You're going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one night.
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has 68.25 % from 96 votes. More jokes about: beauty, dirty, flirt, life, sex
Chuck Norris has only used the 'Total Gym' twice in his life. When his eyes are open - and when they are closed.
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has 37.97 % from 35 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, fitness, life
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
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has 85.00 % from 804 votes. More jokes about: car, funeral, life, time
What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!
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has 50.16 % from 61 votes. More jokes about: life, math