Q: How do you know when you are stoned?
A: When you are too phoned to stone home.
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Q: What do you call money that grows on trees?
A: Marijuana
My iPhone fell from the 20th floor.
Good thing it was in airplane mode.
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Yo mama's so fat, she's got more chins than a Hong Kong phonebook.
The phone rings at Federal Drug Enforcement Agency headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this the Federal Drug Enforcement Agency?"
"Yes. What can we do for you?"
"I’m calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding cocaine in his firewood."
"Thank you, this will be noted."
Next day, the Drug Enforcement agents come over to Tom’s house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no cocaine, swear at Tom and leave.
The phone rings at Tom’s house.
"Hey, Tom! Did the Federal Drug Enforcement guys come by?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood for you?"
"Yeah, they did."
"Okay, now it’s YOUR turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy.
The first man married a nurse.
Dave thinks to himself, "Nurses are known to be hot to trot."
The second man married a telephone operator.
Dave thinks to himself, "Telephone operators have sexy voices."
The third man married a school teacher.
Dave thinks to himself, "Poor guy, teachers are frigid."
The next morning, Dave reports to work and gets a room service call from the nurse's husband.
He sourly says, "Don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary.'"
Then, the telephone operator's husband calls and sourly says, "Don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.'"
Later that afternoon, the teacher's husband calls and happily says, "When you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was 'We are going to do this over and over until we get right.'"
If you say "alright" in the mirror 3 times Matthew McConaughey will appear and hand you a joint.
How do you fit 500 babies into a phone booth?
With a blender.
How do you get them out?
Nachos - make a dipping and snacking motion.
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Q: What do you call Harrison Ford when he smokes weed?
A: Han So-high
Q: How long does it take before a pound of weed goes bad?
A: I don't know! I've never had it longer than an hour!
Chuck Norris can answer a missed call.
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