Q: How do you know when you are stoned?
A: When you are too phoned to stone home.
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Little Johnny had just returned from his summer break and gone back to school.
Three days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving.
"Hold on," she said.
"I had Johnny with me for the entire summer and I never called you once when he misbehaved."
Vote:
Why did the referee have such a high phone bill?
Because he made to many calls!
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator:
"My friend is dead!
What can I do?"
The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies:
"Take it easy.
I can help.
First, we have to be sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
When the President pushes the big red button, Chuck Norris's cell phone rings.
Vote:
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
What do you call an iPhone that isn't kidding around?
Dead Siri-ous.
Vote:
2 girls meet:
"Me & my husband are no longer together..."
"Why?"
"Well, could you live with a person who smokes weed, drinks, has no job and always cusses?"
"No, of course I couldn't!"
"Well he couldn't either!"
Q: What do you call a pothead that doesn't inhale?
A: Mr. President.