Q: What did one magnet say to the other? A: I find you very attractive.
The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty. The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
A photon is checking into a hotel and the bellhop asks him "Do you have any luggage?" The photon replies, "Nope, I'm traveling light."
Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.
Son: "Dad, I'm cold..." Dad: "Stand in a corner, they're usually ninety degrees!"
A scientist tells a pharmacist, "Give me some prepared tablets of acetylsalicylic acid." "Do you mean aspirin?" asks the pharmacist. The scientist slaps his forehead. "That's it!" he says. "I can never remember the name."
Q: Why was Pavlov's hair so soft? A: Classical conditioning.
Q: How do you make holy water? A: You boil the hell out of it.
Did you hear about the new book about anti-gravity? I just can't seem to put it down.
Three statisticians are out hunting. Suddenly, a deer appears 50 yards away. The first statistician shoots and hits the tree 5 feet to the left. The second statistician shoots and hits the tree 5 feet to the right. The third statistician starts jumping up and down, yelling "We got him! We got him!"