What's long, hard, and shoots sticky white stuff?
A penis. What were you thinking you clean minded bastard.
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Q: What's the difference between basketball and sex?
A: In basketball you dribble before you shoot!
Man comes home to his wife and says to her: "With the new pair of glasses, you look like sh.t."
"But I don't have a new pair of glasses..." she replies.
"But, I do."
Two eggs boiling in a pan.
One says, "I've got a huge crack."
The other replies, "Stop teasing me, I'm not f*cking hard yet."
Don't ever let your girl talk to another guy about her problems; a shoulder to cry on, becomes a dick to ride on.
A bloke walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads, "Cheese sandwich: 0.99; Chicken sandwich: 1.50; H*ndjob: 20.00."
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, the man walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three hot waitresses.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile.
"Can I help you?"
"I was wondering," whispers the man.
"Are you the one who gives the h*ndjobs?"
"Yes," she purrs.
"Indeed I am."
The man replies, "Well, go and wash your hands. I want a cheese sandwich!"
Listening to censored hip-hop is like going to a whore for a hug.
Q: When is the only time you can smack an ugly woman in the face?
A: When her mustache is on fire.
Women need a reason to have sex - men just need a place.
I'm no weather man, but you can expect more than a few inches tonight.
Susan's mother: "What are you doing on the top of that tree?"
Susan: "Some boys are playing football their ball is fallen on the tree.
They asked me to bring it."
Susan's mother: "My dear , they only want to chech your pants."
Susan: "Don't worry mam, I hav'nt put on my pants!"