What's long, hard, and shoots sticky white stuff?
A penis. What were you thinking you clean minded bastard.
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This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is.
All his professionallism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off.
The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having s*x with her.
He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"
Little Johnny got caught stealing in a FOOD 4 LESS and runs away from the cops.
He runs towards his school and into his classroom.
He asks his teacher "May I please hide in your classroom because I got caught stealing".
The teacher says "Yes".
Little Johnny first hides under a desk, but no, the cops can see him there.
He then hides behind the door, but no, the cops can see him there.
So the teacher suggested to little Johnny "Hide under my long, fluffy skirt".
Little Johnny says "O.K."
The cops arrive and ask the teacher "Have you seen a little boy around here?".
The teacher replies "sorry, I haven't".
When the cops left the classroom the teacher says" Johnny, the cops are gone.you can come out now".
Little johnny replies" not yet, I got one more braid to go".
The pregnancy report of Santu’s wife came.
Doctor said, "Oh, nothing to get excited, it was just the gas problem."
Santu looks up at the sky towards the God and says, "Lord, What have you given me, a penis or an Air Pump."
I've some bread dough in my pants.
Wanna see if it rises?
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup.
As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup.
As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup.
As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest.
"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, “Mary. Mary.”
“Is that you, Fred?”
“Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.”
“What’s it like?”
“Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again.”
“Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven.”
“Not exactly, I’m a sheep in Wales.”
There was once a lady making a stew for dinner when she found she had no onions,so with no time to waste she raced to the shops, burst in saying could i have some onions please.
The shopkeeper replied sorry lady we are fresh out of onions.
The lady said but i really need onions and gave all the reasons why in one big sentence.
The shopkeeper said look lady,I`ll put it to you another way and continued to ask her- if you take the o from tomato what do you have?
The lady said tomat,Yes said the man and if you take the o from potato what do you have?
The lady said potat.
Yes said the man behind the counter,now if you take the fuck out of onions what do you have?
"But there's no fuck in onions",said the lady,Yes said the man, That's what I have been trying to tell you!"
Lesbians can also take Viagra.
They don't have to swallow it, they just let it melt in their tongues.
There was three boys called Zip, Dick and Piss They were in class and their teacher went out to make a phone call Right then Zip jumped on the table Dick jumped in the teachers chair And Piss was punchin everyone in sight 3 minutes later the teacher back in and said Zip down Dick out and Piss in the corner.