Joke #1261

What's long, hard, and shoots sticky white stuff? A penis. What were you thinking you clean minded bastard.

Girl: "Do you believe in puppy love?" Boy: "I tried it once, but their assholes are too small."

Q: What did I do in the bed last night. A: Your mom.

I told my crush at school, "If you love me, come wearing red tomorrow." The next day she came in wearing black! When she dropped her pen and she bent over to pick it up, I got a look up her skirt at her red thong. Moral of the story: she really loves me underneath it all.

Babe when I die I want you to cremate me, pour my ashes into a bowl of chili, and eat me just so I can tear that ass up one more time!

Two guys are in a bar. "Hey, I've got an idea -- let's play 'Twenty Questions!'" "'Twenty Questions?' How do you play?" "You ask me questions and try to guess what I'm thinking of." "Okay. But you have to write down what you're thinking of so I know you're not cheating." The man agrees, and writes down 'moosecock' on a small piece of paper. "Okay, I got a question. Does it taste good?" "Uhh...I guess so." "Is it moosecock?"

2 cowboys talking about s*x. 1 cowboy says "I like the rodeo position !" "I haven't heard of that ... " says the other cowboy, "what is it ?" "Well get your girlfriend down on all fours and mount her from behind. Then reach round and cup both of her breasts and whisper "these feel just like your sisters" and try and hold on for 8 seconds !"

Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that. The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!" "That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"

A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches her. They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try. The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines... no pulse... no heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."

Valentines Day is the day that the "V" and "D" come together.

An old lady went to visit her dentist. When it was her turn she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants and raised her legs. The dentist said: "Excuse me; I 'm not a gynecologist." "I know," said the old lady "I want you to take my husband's teeth out."