Joke #964

I had to get an Xbox controller tattooed on my vagina. So my boyfriend would play with me for a change.

My girlfriend has incredible sexual skills. I almost had a heart attack when I saw the video!

Getting married is like buying a dishwasher. You'll never have to do it by hand again.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator? A: The blonde works in the dark!

Roses are red, violets are blue. Pornhub is Down, your mums Facebook will do.

One day there were two men. One was driving a Mercedes Benz and the other was riding a horse, both waiting at the traffic light. The man in the Benz looked at the horse and noticed something different, that horse was not a normal horse. It was an electric horse and has 3 buttons in it if you press one button it moves forward, if you press the second button it moves faster and if you press the last button it will stop. The guy in the Benz was really impressed, so he asked the guy riding the horse if he wanted to trade the horse for the Benz, so he agreed. They did the trade and the guy riding the horse drove the Benz and went on his way but the other guy was still stuck in the traffic light trying to get the horse to move. He tried all the buttons but the horse does not seem to be moving so he called the horse owner and asked him if he can come back to show him how to move the horse. So the guy came back, he pressed all the buttons again but the horse still doesn't move. He noticed the horse's penis was up so he tells the other guy: "Ohh you forgot to release the handbrake!"

Baby, if you were an iPhone 6, I would tap you all day!

China lets Chuck Norris search for porn on Google.

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says "Mommy what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm... they are making cakes. now come on, we'll go to the Zoo" At the Zoo, the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother "What are they doing?" And her mother replies with the same response, "They are making cakes. Thats it we're going home" The next day the girl says to her mother "Mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night, weren't you?" Shocked, the Mother says, "What? How do you know?" She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

What do you call an iPhone that isn't kidding around? Dead Siri-ous.

They call me the cat whisperer, cause I know exactly what that pussy needs.