Joke #964

I had to get an Xbox controller tattooed on my vagina. So my boyfriend would play with me for a change.

Getting married is like buying a dishwasher. You'll never have to do it by hand again.

My girlfriend has incredible sexual skills. I almost had a heart attack when I saw the video!

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator? A: The blonde works in the dark!

Baby, if you were an iPhone 6, I would tap you all day!

A man was robbing a house in the middle of the night. All of a sudden, he heard a parrot cry out. "Jesus is gonna get you." The robber ignored it, and takes the TV. Again, the parrot cries out. "Jesus is gonna get you." The robber started to get a little worried. "What's your name, birdie?" "Moses." "What dumbass named you Moses?" "The same dumbass who called his rottweiler Jesus."

What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLologist.

Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive? A: Her ankles.

What's long, hard, and shoots sticky white stuff? A penis. What were you thinking you clean minded bastard.

A woman came to his doctor with a left knee that was shot through. The doctor asked her: "What does it mean? Why did you shoot accurately your left knee?" The woman tells him only: "Sorry, but, you doctor, have told me that the heart is located two thumbs under my left breast."

The world did not have a tilt in its axis until Chuck Norris stubbed his toe on the North Pole.