Joke #1262

Did I tell you the joke about my dick? Never mind its too long.

One morning, while she was making breakfast, the local fitness freak walked up to his wife, pinched her on the bum and said, "You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." This was a bit over the limit, but she controlled herself and replied with silence. Next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast. "You know love if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bras." That was too far over the limit. She rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. Maintaining a vice grip, she whispered in his ear, "You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the pool man, the gardener and your brother."

Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms? They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

What’s a man’s definition of safe sex? Meeting his mistress at least 30 miles from his house.

There were two security guards who worked on opposite shifts, but looked after the same building. Over a period of a year, the night shift security guard noticed that his opposite was putting on weight. So one evening at shift change, the night shift security guard says to the day shift security guard "Hey buddy, you aint half gettin fat". To which the day shift guard replies "Yeah, that's because every time I shag your wife she gives me a chocolate biscuit".

Q: What did Snow White say to Pinocchio when she was sitting on his face? A: "Lie to me! Lie to me!"

What is the difference between a hippie girl and a muslim girl? The hippie girl gets stoned before have sex.

Randy Rachel has got a speech impediment – she can’t say no.

Maths is like s*x... ADD the bed MINUS the clothes DIVIDE the legs and pray you don't MULTIPLY.

3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you handsome, don't take it as a compliment!

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work." The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."