Joke #12755

At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work. They finally went with mine. "I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said. "No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover three holes in our wall."

One day little Johnny asked his teacher "So you know how most stores have 'you break it you buy it' rule? The teacher responded "Yes why?" Johnny said "Well do you think if you were to be looking at babies to adopt and dropped one that the orphange would make you buy it?"

Kangaroo 911: "What's your emergency?" Kangaroo: "I can't find my children" Kangaroo 911: "Did you check your pockets?" Kangaroo: "Oh nevermind."

A passenger piled his luggage on the scale at an airline counter in New York and said to the ticket agent: "I'm flying to Los Angeles. I want the large bag sent to Denver and the two small ones to Cincinnati." "I'm sorry sir, but we can't do that," said the ticket agent. "That's good to hear because that's where they ended up the last time I flew this route."

How should you treat a baby goat? Like a kid.

It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father. "Let’s try to make this look natural" she said. "Junior, put your arm around your dad’s shoulder." The father answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket?"

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?" "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" "There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type." "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know." "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" "Yes, I think so." "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." "...Yes, it is." "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." "... Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." "I can't reach." "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle – it's because it's dark." "Dark?" "Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." "Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't." "No? Why not?" "Because there's a power outage." "A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." "Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

Teacher: What happened in 1869? Student: Mahatma Gandhi was born. Teacher: What happened in 1873? Student: Gandhi was four years old

A blonde walks into a electronic store and asks the manager, “Can I buy that TV” “No” “Why not?” “Because your a blonde.” So the blonde goes out and dyes her hair red. She returned to the electronic store and said, “Can I buy that TV?” “No” “Why not?” “Your a blonde.” So the blonde goes and shaves her hair off and returns to the electronic store and says, “Can I buy that TV?” “No” “Why not?” “You’re a blonde” “How can you tell I’m a blonde, I dyed my hair red, then shaved it off!” “Because that’s not a TV, that’s a microwave!”

John: How old are you? Peter: Hmmm..I'm 7 John: You know what, when I was your age, I was also 7.

Even though telemarketers are slightly less beloved than dentists and tax auditors, that's the job my friend took during his summer vacation. Halfway through one of his sales pitches, he heard a clicking at the other end of the line. Thinking the man may have hung up, he asked, "Are you still there?" "Yeah, still here," said the man. "Sorry, I heard a click and I thought you'd been disconnected." "No," the man said, "that would sound more like this." He then proceeded to show me what it would sound like by slamming down the phone.