Joke #13256

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and my flawless dance moves.

I recently went to my new doctor. After two visits and exhaustive tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. I was a bit worried what he meant by that, so I asked him, "Do you think I'll live to be eighty, Doc?" He looked at me and asked me, "Do you smoke or drink beer or wine?" I said, "No, nothing like that. And I don't do drugs either." He looked at me again and asked me, "Okay, do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my old doctor told me that all red meat is very unhealthy." He looked at me again and asked me, "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" I replied, "No, nothing like that." He looked at me again and asked me, "And do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" I said, "No, nothing like that, Doc." He looked at me again and said, "Then why do you even care?"

I've trained my dog to bring me red wine. It's a Bordeaux collie.

Chuck Norris once caught the Ebola virus, it's been on the run ever since.

Chuck Noris can make grapes from wine.

I have joy in my heart and a glass of wine in my hand. Coincidence?

I can't tell if I'm depressed or just an adult.

I drank so much wine last night that when I walked across the dance floor to get another glass, I won the dance competition.

The secret of enjoying a good bottle of wine: 1. Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2. If it doesn't look like it's breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.

Q: What is the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer? A: The taste

At Christmas time, there's nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, and singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep. Maybe that's why I'm no longer a fireman.