I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and my flawless dance moves.
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I recently went to my new doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
I was a bit worried what he meant by that, so I asked him, "Do you think I'll live to be eighty, Doc?"
He looked at me and asked me, "Do you smoke or drink beer or wine?"
I said, "No, nothing like that. And I don't do drugs either."
He looked at me again and asked me, "Okay, do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my old doctor told me that all red meat is very unhealthy."
He looked at me again and asked me, "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
I replied, "No, nothing like that."
He looked at me again and asked me, "And do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
I said, "No, nothing like that, Doc."
He looked at me again and said, "Then why do you even care?"
Women are just like fine wine.
I only like the white ones.
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Q: What did the grape say when it was crushed?
A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
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Yo momma is so ugly that Superman lost his supervision and went blind.
What's funnier than cancer?
Most things, really.
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Q: What did the deaf, blind, mute girl get for Christmas?
A: Cancer.
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Me: "I love you."
You: "Is that you or the wine talking?"
Me: "It's me talking to the wine."
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Chuck Noris can make grapes from wine.
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The most expensive part of having kids is all the wine you have to drink.
Q: How can you tell you have a really bad case of acne?
A: It's when the blind try to read your face.
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