Joke #13256

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and my flawless dance moves.
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has 67.64 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: health, wine

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I recently went to my new doctor. After two visits and exhaustive tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. I was a bit worried what he meant by that, so I asked him, "Do you think I'll live to be eighty, Doc?" He looked at me and asked me, "Do you smoke or drink beer or wine?" I said, "No, nothing like that. And I don't do drugs either." He looked at me again and asked me, "Okay, do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my old doctor told me that all red meat is very unhealthy." He looked at me again and asked me, "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" I replied, "No, nothing like that." He looked at me again and asked me, "And do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" I said, "No, nothing like that, Doc." He looked at me again and said, "Then why do you even care?"
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has 73.44 % from 30 votes. More jokes about: age, alcohol, doctor, health, wine
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe." But what does it tell you, Holmes?" Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
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has 85.32 % from 785 votes. More jokes about: friendship, life, science, stupid, wine
Q: What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses? A: Bronchitis.
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has 64.52 % from 46 votes. More jokes about: cowboy, health, horse, medical
I drank so much wine last night that when I walked across the dance floor to get another glass, I won the dance competition.
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has 68.56 % from 37 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, drunk, wine
A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt. This must be a sign from God!" Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth." The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must surely be a sign from God!" The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this! Here's another miracle! My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break. Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune." The priest nods in agreement. The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest. The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?" The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."
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has 56.36 % from 31 votes. More jokes about: car, cop, god, priest, wine
It was the kindergarten teachers birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift. The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said "I guess that it is flowers". "How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him. The second student, whose parents own a candy store, gave her a present. She held it and said, "I guess that is some candy." "How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She again laughed and thanked him also. The third student, whose parents own a bottle shop, gave her a box which was leaking. The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Mmmmm is it wine?" she asked. "No," said the little girl. So she tasted it again. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "Noooo," replied the little girl, "It's a puppy."
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has 71.41 % from 79 votes. More jokes about: birthday, disgusting, student, teacher, wine
I have joy in my heart and a glass of wine in my hand. Coincidence?
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has 56.84 % from 20 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, wine
Women are just like fine wine. I only like the white ones.
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has 38.51 % from 132 votes. More jokes about: racist, white people, wine, women
If you carefully examine your health insurance policy, you will see that there is no cover for "Chuck Norris related incidents".
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has 75.45 % from 163 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, health
It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There's clearly room for more wine.
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has 80.44 % from 42 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, wine