Joke #13256

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and my flawless dance moves.

I recently went to my new doctor. After two visits and exhaustive tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. I was a bit worried what he meant by that, so I asked him, "Do you think I'll live to be eighty, Doc?" He looked at me and asked me, "Do you smoke or drink beer or wine?" I said, "No, nothing like that. And I don't do drugs either." He looked at me again and asked me, "Okay, do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my old doctor told me that all red meat is very unhealthy." He looked at me again and asked me, "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" I replied, "No, nothing like that." He looked at me again and asked me, "And do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" I said, "No, nothing like that, Doc." He looked at me again and said, "Then why do you even care?"

The most expensive part of having kids is all the wine you have to drink.

There's no wine holder on this vacuum cleaner. It's like it wasn't even designed for women. How can I be expected to work under these conditions?

I drank so much wine last night that when I walked across the dance floor to get another glass, I won the dance competition.

Every box of raisins is a tragic tale of grapes that could have been wine.

A drunk sitting at a bar observes a very snobby woman participating in a wine tasting contest. She was very good at identifying the wine. At the first taste she says: "Cabernet Sauvignon, 1998" and all the people were amazed. At the 2nd try she answers "Cabernet Sauvignon, 1953" and they were once again amazed. Then the drunk pisses in a glass and hands it to her. She tries it and says "Yak, this tastes like piss!" And the drunk says, "Yeah, but what year was I born?"

It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There's clearly room for more wine.

The Teacher asked Little Johnny, "How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?" Little Johnny replied, "Just Don't bite any."

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

In the medical community, death is referred to as "Chuck Norris Disease".