What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
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Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, the woman will ask for directions.
A guy walks into an antique store and buys a grandfather clock, he walks out of the shop with it and accidentally walks into a drunk guy. (they both fall over and the clock gets smashed to bits)
The guy says to the drunk, "Why don't you watch where your going?" and the drunk says, "Why don't you carry a wrist watch like everybody else?"
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
How to Impress a Woman:
compliment her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
listen to her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her.
How to Impress a Man:
show up naked,
bring beer.
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
What's the difference between a man and a messy room?
You can straighten up a messy room.
Q: Why are men so happy?
A: Because ignorance is bliss.
Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash.
Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill.
"Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.
"It's a boy," I shouted, as tears began to roll down my cheeks.
"I can't believe it, it really is a boy."
That's when I swore never to return to Thailand.
Susan was having a tough day and after returning home she started complaining.
She said to her husband, "Nobody loves me….nobody cares for me..the whole world hates me!"
Her husband, watching TV said casually: "That’s not true dear. You are not that famous that whole world hates you. Some people don’t even know you."