Joke #14227

I've finally told my suitcases there will be no holiday this year. Now I'm dealing with the emotional baggage.

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!" Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?" "No, sweetheart," she responds. Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?" "Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks. "Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn’t send that one, either." Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?" Abe answers, "They’ll find us!"

While vacationing in France, Chuck Norris went out for a casual bike ride and accidentally won the Tour de France.

One of the two adult female friends got married and went on honeymoon to Hawaii. On return curious other girl asked her friend, “What sightseeing places did you go in Hawaii and what did you see?” The honeymoon girl explained, “For seven days, I saw only the fan on the ceiling of the room and occasionally when turned around, I saw the bed sheet too.”

My wife left for her Father's home for vacation yesterday, when I was at my office. When I reached home, I found this note stick on the television. I am going to My Mom's Place for 6-7 days with kids and these are the instructions and warnings for you.... - No need to call your friends and cousins. Last time I got 4 large pizza bills beneath the sofa... 2 - Don't forget mobile on the soap holder in the bathroom like last time... Why would anyone need a mobile in the bathroom? 3 - Keep your spe cs in the box.. Last time around it was found in the refrigerator. 4 - Salary already paid to maid. No need to be extra generous. 5 - Don't disturb neighbors early in the morning asking if they have got newspaper or not? Our newspaper vendor is different from theirs... And our laundry person and milkman are also different. 6 - Your Underwear are on left side of wardrobe and on right side are kids'... Like last time, don't say I was uncomfortable at work.... 7 - All reports have been checked and you are alright. No need to go to that young lady doctor again and again. 8 - My sister and Bhabhi's birthdays have gone last month which you have already attended. No need to go to them at midnight and wish belated happy birthday.. 9 - Have cut off WiFi for 10 days. So sleep early.... 10 - Stop smiling and being happy... as Mrs. Khanna, Mrs. Avasthi, Mrs. Kulkarni, Mrs. Trivedi, Mrs. Ansari, Mrs. Rastogi, Mrs. Chatteerjee... They all w ill be out of station in this period.... 11. Do not knock on the doors of that KALMUHI Priya, next door, on pretext of asking Sugar milk coffee powder or so one. I stocked all these in kitchen cabinet. rnrnAnd last but not the least. 12 - Don't try to be oversmart.. rnI may be back any moment without informing you. Happy vacation

A man called, furious about an Orlando, Florida, vacation package we had booked for him: He was expecting an ocean-view hotel room. I explained that was not possible since Orlando is in the middle of the state. "Don't lie to me," he said. "I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state."

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: “You can’t drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.” The guy says OK, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they’re all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands: “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?” The guy replies: “I did . . . today I’m taking them to the beach!”

A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!". She goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please." The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes her in and sends her floating. A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise? The second blonde replies, " They didn't last year."

Chuck Norris doesn't travel at the speed of light, light travels at the speed of Chuck Norris!

Chuck Norris goes to the Bermuda Triangle for vacation.

The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss to allow alcohol. 1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4. It reduces complaints about low pay. 5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover. 6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear. 7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter. 8. It encourages carpooling. 9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care. 10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work. 11. It makes fellow employees look better. 12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better. 13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted. 14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.