Friend pisses me off so I poked holes in his condom the night before he uses it. Three months later... my mom's pregnant.
My wife found a porn magazine in our son's room the other day. She showed it to me, and it was BDSM. She asked me "What we should do?" Me: "Probably not spank him." She belted me with the magazine. Now I know where he gets it from.
Girl: "Do you believe in puppy love?" Boy: "I tried it once, but their assholes are too small."
A man is at the optometrist getting his eyes checked. "You need to stop masturbating so much," the optometrist says. "Why?" asks the man. "Is it going to make me go blind?" The optometrist looks around and says "no, but it's making the other patients very uncomfortable."
My girlfriend said if this gets 100 votes we'll try anal. So please don't vote, her strap on is huge and it really scares me.
Yo momma is so fat, that when NASA put her on the moon, her breasts were the only things bouncing... just like on earth.
What do you call a stoner that just broke up with his girlfriend? Homeless.
I'll have you saying, "My compliments to the chef" in no time!
They are going to play golf at the business meeting. The guy flies out there a day early. He's got all day in Japan so he decides he wants to get himself a geisha. He goes to a house of ill repute and finds what he's looking for. He takes her in back and starts doing his thing. The girl starts going crazy. She starts yelling, "Machigatta ana! Machigatta ana!" He thinks, "This girl is loving this." Next day in the golf course he hits a hole in one. He doesn't know any Japanese so he yells, "Machigatta ana!" The Japanese guys ask him, "What do you mean wrong hole?"
How do you stop a baby falling down a manhole? Stick a javelin through it's head.