Friend pisses me off so I poked holes in his condom the night before he uses it. Three months later... my mom's pregnant.
Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None because they screw each other the dirty fucks.
Yo momma's so old she knew the Virgin Mary when she was 10 and said Lil Mary will never amount to anything.
Sex is like math: Add the bed Subtract the clothes Divide the legs and pray you dont multiply
*How girls become friends* Omg I love your shoes! *How guys become friends* Excuse me sir, I see you fuck bitches, I myself, also fuck bitches.
I discovered that I'd spent an hour walking around a mall with a shoe store's "Feel the Comfort" sticker stuck to my body. More humiliating? It was attached to my left breast.
My favorite sexual position is called "The Osama"... its where I burst into your room and blow a load on your face.
Little Johnny got caught stealing in a FOOD 4 LESS and runs away from the cops. He runs towards his school and into his classroom. He asks his teacher "May I please hide in your classroom because I got caught stealing". The teacher says "Yes". Little Johnny first hides under a desk, but no, the cops can see him there. He then hides behind the door, but no, the cops can see him there. So the teacher suggested to little Johnny "Hide under my long, fluffy skirt". Little Johnny says "O.K." The cops arrive and ask the teacher "Have you seen a little boy around here?". The teacher replies "sorry, I haven't". When the cops left the classroom the teacher says" Johnny, the cops are gone.you can come out now". Little johnny replies" not yet, I got one more braid to go".
A guy went to a casino and lost all 10 000$. Swearing for the situation he goes to a taxi driver and asks: I have lost all my money, please give me a ride back home for free. Fuck off, no money, no ride. The next day the guys come to casino again and this time he successfully won all the money back and 10 000$ extra. Hi goes out of the casino happily and sees five taxis, and the last car is the one, which refused to give a ride for free yesterday. He goes to the first taxi and says: Will you take me home for 100$ Sure! But when you take me there you'll have to do the blow-job as well Fuck off, man.. The guys goes to all next three cars and the story repeats. Finally he goes to the last taxi driver, who refused to help a day ago, and says: Will you take me home for 100$? Sure! Deal, but you have to pass through those other four taxi drivers very, very slowly.
One day, an old guy gets on a bus. Several minutes later a punk kid with red, green, and orange hair gets on. The kid notices that the old man keeps staring at him. "What you staring at, old man? Ain't you ever done anything wild in your time?" "Yeah. I screwed a parrot once. I was wondering if you were my son?"