Joke #8398

I'll have you saying, "My compliments to the chef" in no time!
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An old woman goes in to a sex shop, shaking. "Sir," she says in a shaky voice, "do you sell vibrators?" "Yes, ma'am." "And are they this big around and this long?" she asks in a shaky voice. "Yes, ma'am." "And they're $22.95?" she asks in a shaky voice. "Yes, ma'am." "How do you turn them off?"
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Bloke in hospital with 60% burns, Dr. says, "Give him two Viagra." Nurse asks, "Do you think that will help?" Dr replies, "No but it will keep the sheets off his legs!"
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Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
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A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "$1". The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "$5". The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place". The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife". The guy looks all confused then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?" The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".
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Q: Why did the Avon lady walk funny? A: Her lipstick.
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How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
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Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour 'cause my pee barely trickles out." "Heck, that's nothing, " said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a shit, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible". The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I shit like a pig. The trouble with me is, I don't wake up till eleven."
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My penis was in the Guiness Book of Records... until the librarian kicked me out.
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A woman goes to the gynecologist for the first time and is awfully nervous. When the doctor comes into the examining room, he notices immediately that she's very tense. "Listen, dear. I know this must be scary for you. Do you want me to give you some thing to numb you down there?" The girl doesn't say anything, but just nods her head yes. So the doctor removes her underwear, puts his mouth in her crotch. "Numb, numb, numb, numb, numb..."
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John is paying a visit to his Italian neighbor in the hospital, who just had a very serious traffic accident. He doesn't look like very much: in plaster, completely wrapped in a bandage, tons of hoses and infusions. He looks like a mummy. John tries to have a conversation, but his neighbor has his eyes closed and isn't responding. Suddenly his eyes jump wide open and he starts to gurgle and during his last gasp for air he says: "Mi stai bloccando il d'tubicino ossigeno, Pezzo di merda ...." John inscribes the words in his heart. At the funeral John tells the black-clad widow that her husband had something to say. 'And, she asks with tearful eyes,"was it that he loved me? " "I do not know," said the man, "but it sounded like Mi stai bloccando il d'tubicino ossigeno, pezzo di merda ...." The widow screams and faints. "What?" John ask startled to the daughter, "what did he say, what does that mean?" And the crying daughter says: "You are standing on my oxygen hose, you git."
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