Q: What would Princess Diana be doing if she were alive today? A: Clawing at the lid of her coffin.
What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus with a yeast infection? An itchy, twitchy twat!
Q: Why did Captain Kirk piss on the roof of the Enterprise? A: To boldly go where no man has gone before.
Q: What do Rodney King and Nicole Simpson have in common? A: They just didn't listen
What's funner then nailing bin Laden to a tree? Feeding his lifeless corpse into a meat grinder.
What's the difference between a baby and a grandmother? Grandmothers don't die when you fuck them up the ass.
A man took a poop in a gas station and then realized there was no toilet paper. There was a hole in the wall and a sign above it that read: "When you go to the bathroom, wipe yourself with your index finger, stick it through this hole and it will be thoroughly cleaned." The man did exactly what the sign said, but when he stuck his finger through the hole, someone at the other side slapped two bricks together against his finger and because of the pain he stuck his finger in his mouth and started to suck on it.
Two gay men are walking down the street trying to bum a ride. A truck driver picks them up. After a while the first gay man asked in a very gay voice, "Please sir can I fart?" The truck driver then says, "Yeah sure who cares." So the gay guy goes "POOF". Then the second gay man asks if he can fart. The truck driver says he doesn't care and the second gay man went ''poof''. Then the big truck driver goes to the gay men and says, "Ok gentlemen can I fart?" The gay men say right on and the truckdriver lets it blow. The fart was huge and smelly and loud. The gay men then say, "He is obviously a virgin."
Usain Bolt only began running when he heard, Chuck Norris was in Jamaica shooting a commercial for Red Bull.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
A young priest is unhappy with how little money his congregation contributes every week to the collection plate. So decides to try a new tack and hypnotize them, using Father Matthews' priceless pocket watch. Thus hypnotized, they all give the five bucks he asked them too. Pumped by his success, he ups the amount to $10 the next week. Amazingly, everybody gives ten bucks each. The week after that, he decides to up it to twenty bucks, but just as he's about to announce the amount, he drops the watch. "S**t!" It took the workers two weeks to clean up the church.