Q: Why did Captain Kirk piss on the roof of the Enterprise? A: To boldly go where no man has gone before.
Q: What would Princess Diana be doing if she were alive today? A: Clawing at the lid of her coffin.
What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus with a yeast infection? An itchy, twitchy twat!
Q: What do Rodney King and Nicole Simpson have in common? A: They just didn't listen
What's funner then nailing bin Laden to a tree? Feeding his lifeless corpse into a meat grinder.
Wanna know Victoria's Secret? She has a penis.
If I wanted some comeback, I'd wipe it off your chin!
A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porn film and it was due out in a month. A month later, the musician went to a porn theatre to see the adult movie. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row of the adult cinema, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise. The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M, bondage and even a dog. After a while watching the adult movie, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music." "Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."
Once upon a time, there was a very happy, long-married couple who ran a small farm. They loved each other and all, there was just one problem – the guy farted incredibly, and enjoyed ripping seriously loud ones in bed especially. The wife complained for years, pleaded – in vain. "One day, you'll spill your guts out, you mark my words!" was the lady's frequent closing warning. Then one Thanksgiving morning, gutting the turkey, she had a stroke of genius. She took all the turkey's guts and went to their bedroom and quietly slipped them under the still sleeping man's covers. "That'll teach him!" she thought with satisfaction and went back to her work. At 10 the man was still nowhere to be seen – quite shocking for a farmer – and she was starting to worry when finally her husband came down – walking a little strange, wearing an even stranger expression. "You were right about the farting, Ida," he panted, "I'm ashamed to admit that I did fart my guts out. But with the help of our Lord and these two fingers, all is right again!"
When Superman wants vacation time it has to be approved by Chuck Norris.
Freddy Krueger has nightmares of Chuck Norris