Q: What do Rodney King and Nicole Simpson have in common?
A: They just didn't listen
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Q: Why did Captain Kirk piss on the roof of the Enterprise?
A: To boldly go where no man has gone before.
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Q: What would Princess Diana be doing if she were alive today?
A: Clawing at the lid of her coffin.
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What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus with a yeast infection?
An itchy, twitchy twat!
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What's funner then nailing bin Laden to a tree?
Feeding his lifeless corpse into a meat grinder.
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Q: What's the difference between greeting the Queen of England and greeting Bill Clinton?
A: You only have to get down on one knee to greet the queen.
A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long.
"Let me show you," says the captain.
He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it.
"This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy."
The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns.
"Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!"
"Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday."
"Why not Thursday?"
"That's your day in the barrel."
Three old men were sitting on a porch.
"I wish I could take a healthy piss," said one.
"I wish I could take a healthy crap," said another.
"I can take a crap at 6 AM and a piss at 11 AM. I just wish I could get up before noon."
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There was a horny young lady named Lil,
Who fucked dynamite sticks for a thrill.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil!
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Q: What did the fool do with his first 50 cent piece?
A: He Married Her
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Miss DeAngelo was a not-too-bright young woman who had moved to Hollywood with dreams of becoming a star.
She didn’t find fame or glory, but she did encounter plenty of men willing to enjoy her plentiful charms, and soon she found herself called to testify in a divorce case.
When it was her turn on the stand, the lawyer came forward.
"Miss DeAngelo, the wife of the defendant has identified you as the ‘other woman’ in her husband’s life. Now, do you admit that you went to the Pricerite Motel with this Mr. Evans?"
"Well, yes," acknowledged Miss DeAngelo with a sniff, "but I couldn’t help it."
"Couldn’t help it?" asked the lawyer derisively. "How’s that?"
"Mr. Evans deceived me."
"Exactly what do you mean?"
"See, when we signed in," she explained, "he told the motel clerk I was his wife."