Joke #1769

Q: What do Rodney King and Nicole Simpson have in common? A: They just didn't listen

Q: Why did Captain Kirk piss on the roof of the Enterprise? A: To boldly go where no man has gone before.

Q: What would Princess Diana be doing if she were alive today? A: Clawing at the lid of her coffin.

What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus with a yeast infection? An itchy, twitchy twat!

What's funner then nailing bin Laden to a tree? Feeding his lifeless corpse into a meat grinder.

Everybody loves Raymond. Except for Chuck Norris.

Q: Did you hear about the redneck who was shooting craps? A: He blew a hole in the toilet.

There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Wales. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped. The Englishman was thinking: ‘The Scottish guy must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.’ Claudia Schiffer was thinking: ‘The English guy must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.’ And the Scotsman was thinking: ‘This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I’ll make that kissing noise and slap that English bastard again.'

Bill Gates once asked Chuck Norris to be his personal body guard for an hour, he couldn't afford it...

What's red and sits in a corner? A baby playing with a razor blade.

A demon died and was asked by god what he wanted to become in his next life. The demon said "I wish to become good in my next life. I want to be as pure and white as an angel and also have angel wings... But I still want to drink blood." So god turned him into a maxi pad.