Can I borrow that book of yours How To Become A Millionaire?
Sure.
Here you are.
Thanks - but half the pages are missing.
What's the matter?
Isn't half a million enough for you?
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A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes.
The judge said "Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100."
The lawyer stood up and said "Thanks, my lord, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd. . ."
Why are men like bank accounts?
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest!
The most expensive part of having kids is all the wine you have to drink.
One day a blonde woman entered an autobody shop claiming that she’d suffered extensive damage to her new car.
The mechanic thought he’d have some fun with her so he told her that she didn’t need him to fixed all the dents.
He said she could fix them herself by blowing into the tailpipe as hard as she could and they’d all pop out.
The woman went home and proceeded to get down on her hands and knees in the driveway.
She was blowing into the pipe as hard as she could and her face was turning purple when another blonde woman walked by and asked what she was doing.
After hearing the whole story the second blonde pauses for a moment then responds, “Hello! The windows are down. Your personal check for the full $30,000.”
The wages of sin are death – but after taxes and NI contributions you’ll just end up feeling a bit tired.
The newest therapy for healing the states of depression is so-called decapitation.
It costs only 100 dollars but 50 dollars pays the health insurance company.
The operation will be made only once and you will never feel depressive.
I had also luck and I also gave an order to this kind of therapy.
I wish well to myself.
Stores accept Monopoly money from Chuck Norris.
Vote:
TECH: Hello, Friendly Internet. May I help you?
CUSTOMER: Oh, hello young man. I was wondering if you offer online banking?
TECH: We're an Internet service provider, ma'am.
You can certainly use our service to connect to online banking.
CUSTOMER: What do I need to do that?
TECH: You just need the modem in your computer.
That plugs into a phone jack. Sign up for an account, and sign up for online banking with your bank.
CUSTOMER: But where does the money come out?
TECH: I'm not sure I understand?
CUSTOMER: You know...Does the money come out from that slot on the computer?
Three cheapskates try to figure out a way of killing themselves with one bullet – so they put their heads together.
I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.
Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"
I said, "£100 and it's yours."