Three cheapskates try to figure out a way of killing themselves with one bullet – so they put their heads together.
Similar jokes
See also best jokes rated by other visitors or new jokes.
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars.
Only one could go and couldn’t return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going.
“A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question.
He asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”
“Why so much more than the others?” asked the interviewer.
The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.”
What kind of money do marsupials use?
Pocket change!
Most of our music store customers have a story about their old vinyl collection.
Once, a man asked how much a record cost.
My coworker quoted him the price, then added, "But there's a surcharge if we have to listen to how your mother made you throw out all your old vinyl records."
Vote:
Seventy-five-year-old Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift for his wife for Women's Day.
Upon passing a lingerie store, Marvin realizes that his wife has never bought any lingerie in her life.
He gets the idea to buy his wife something sexy to make her feel good and young.
Marvin goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee she has.
Marvin takes the gift and excitedly runs home to his wife.
Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells her to take the gift upstairs and unwrap it.
He'll wait in the kitchen.
His wife thanks him and goes up to the bedroom.
Once the package is opened she realizes that this is something she's never had before.
She also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination.
She thinks for a moment and then decides that she'll really surprise Marvin and go downstairs without any clothes on at all.
So she leaves the negligee on the bed and starts down the stairs stark naked.
She calls out: "Marvin, come out to the hallway and look."
Marvin walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and exclaims: "All that money and they didn't even iron it?!"
Vote:
Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million.
The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject.
They were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect.
After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.
When the results of the French study were released, Canada decided to conduct their own study.
The Canucks didn't really trust British or French studies.
So, after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00, the Canadian study was complete.
They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead!
Can I borrow that book of yours How To Become A Millionaire?
Sure.
Here you are.
Thanks - but half the pages are missing.
What's the matter?
Isn't half a million enough for you?
I bought a Jewish sports car.
Not only will it stop on a dime, it will pick it up too.
I've heard they're gas guzzlers though.
Q: How many corporate attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Who knows, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Vote:
Three animals were having a drink in a cafe, when the owner asked for the money.
I'm not paying," said the duck.
"I've only got one bill and I'm not breaking it."
"I've spent my last buck," said the deer.
"Then the duck'll have to pay," said the skunk.
"Getting here cost me my last scent."