Three cheapskates try to figure out a way of killing themselves with one bullet – so they put their heads together.
After any salary rise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
Librarians may be shy, but their patrons aren't. Look at their oddball requests: A patron offered me $100 to steal a cactus from somebody's yard. A patron wanted me to find a book to teach her dog german. A patron on his way to the casino asked to rub my red hair for luck. A patron once asked me for my home phone number so she could call me with reference questions when I wasn't at work.
Q: Why did the silly kid try to feed pennies to the cat? A: Because his mother told him to put money in the kitty.
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the priest with an unusual offer: "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the priest looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes, I do" then leaned toward the priest and hissed: "I thought we had a deal." The priest put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."
He was so mean that when he found a pack of corn plasters he went out and bought a pair of tight shoes.
Chuck Norris won one million dollars gambling playing Solitaire.
Yo' Mama is so poor, when I asked where her bathroom was, she said, "Fourth bottle from the left."
Steve Austin had to be rebuilt as the Six Million Dollar Man after he looked Chuck Norris in the eye, shook his hand and then went weak at the knees.
What kind of money do polar bears use? Ice lolly.
Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques.