Q: Why are jelly beans alot like the world? A: Because everyone hates the black ones.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
How do you stop a baby crawling round in circles ? Nail its other hand to the floor.
Whats the difference between a jew camp and a summer camp? The kids come back.
Q: Why did cow cross road? A: To find to the udder side.
How do you make a dead baby float? Take your foot off of it’s head.
Two bums are sitting talking. The first one starts bragging, "Today was the best day ever! This morning I found a brand new pack of smokes just sitting on the ground. So you know what I did? I sat and smoked every fucking one of them... had the best day ever." The second bum just laughs, "That's nothing, today I was walking along the rail road tracks and I found this girl laying on the tracks. You know what I did? I fucked her all day long." The other bum interrupts, "Bull! You didn't do it all day long did you?", the other continues, "Well, no but it was for at least a few good hours, best day of my life." The first bums asks, "So did she give you a good blowjob?" The other replies no. "How could you possibly be getting busy with this girl for hours, and she doesn't even give you a blow job?" To which the other replies, "How could she? She didn't have a head!"
An old couple is at a fair an the old man sees a helicopter ride for $50. The old man asks his wife, "I don't have much time left. Can I take I ride in one of them helicopters?" His wife responds, "Oh well that's way too expensive." The man running the helicopter rides as a pilot hears their conversation and makes them a deal. "Hey, I'll take you on a ride for free, but you can't make one sound. If you do, then you have to pay $50." says the pilot. The couple climbs in the helicopter. The pilot takes off and does awesome tricks with the helicopter. The couple never made a sound. The pilot lands the helicopter and says, "Wow, impressive, usually people make so much noise on these rides." The old man says, "Well, I almost made a noise when my wife fell out of the helicopter, but these rides are too expensive."
I'm going trick or treating with my mum tonight. It's the only time I can take her out as she's been dead for ten years.
I got in trouble during high school for masturbating in the showers. Apparently it completely ruined the trip to Auschwitz.
Doctor to Patient: "Don’t worry about your heart. It will function as long as you live."