Why does the witch not wear panties when flying? Because she wants to get a better grip on the broom.
Why can't girls play hockey? Because their pads can't last three periods.
What's the difference between a dead baby and a table? You can't fuck a table.
Q: How do you know you're in a vampire bar? A: There's a string hanging out of your Bloody Mary.
After nine years of marriage, a butcher's wife is tired of her husband's morning flatulence. She warns him that he'll fart his guts out. One night, the wife decides to put pig scraps in his pants, so he will think that he actually farted his guts out and stop the flatulence. The next morning, the husband goes to the bathroom. Two long hours later, he comes out and says, "You were right about me farting my guts out. But with the grace of the dear Lord and these two fingers. I got them back in there!"
What's green and yellow and eats nuts? Gonorrhea.
Q: What do you call the sweat on your balls after having sex with your cousin? A: Relative humidity.
Teacher asks Little Johnny to use the word 'definitely' in a sentence. Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?" The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny," To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely shit my pants then..."
Your fart's so loud, astronauts in space mistook your fart for a message from Houston!
A woman walks into a restaurant and sits down. As she bends down to reach into her purse for her wallet, she farts loudly with the waiter right behind her. She sits abruptly back up, glares at the waiter and shouts “Stop that!” To which the waiter replies, “Sure, which way did it go?”
Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.