Why does the witch not wear panties when flying? Because she wants to get a better grip on the broom.
Q: What do parsley and pubic hair have in common? A: You push them both aside when you eat.
What's grosser than gross? Two vampires fighting over a bloody tampon. What's grosser than that? Finding a used condom on the bottom of a mayonnaise jar. What's grosser than that? When you open the refigerator and the rump rost farts in your face. You want to know what's grosser than that? When you sit on your grandpa's lap and he pops a boner. But the one thing that is grosser than that is when you are siting on your grandma's lap and she pops a boner.
What's red and lies in all four corners of the room? A baby that's been playing with a chainsaw.
Q: What's the difference between driving in the fog and eating pussy? A: At least when you are eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of you.
Q: How do you know you're in a vampire bar? A: There's a string hanging out of your Bloody Mary.
A vacuum salesman goes door-to-door in a new neighborhood. When a woman answers the door at the first house, the salesman walks right in and drops cow patties on her floor. He says, "Ma'am, just to show you how confident I am in the quality of my vacuums, I'll eat whatever the vacuum doesn't pick up." The woman smiles and asks, "Could I get you some ketchup with that?" The salesman scoffs confidently and says, "I assure you my vacuums have more power than any other on the market today!" The woman replies, "Well, that may be so, but we just moved in and the electricity isn't turned on yet."
Take a squirt gun into the rest room stall next to someone and shoot little drops over the wall every couple of seconds while pretending to pee.
Q: How many hipsters does it take to flush a toilet? A: You can't touch that toilet, it's art.
What’s sicker than driving over a baby? Skidding.
Q. What do you call two lesbians with their period? A. Finger painting.