Joke #1671

This is a visual joke. Blow some cigarette smoke into a shoe, what do you have? A palestinian waiting for the bus.
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An old woman goes to the doctor's office. The doctor gives her a checkup and says, "I need to do stool, blood and urine tests." The woman says, "Well can I just leave my underwear? Bingo starts in half an hour."
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Two brothers, Bob and Tom, both work for a lumberyard. One day, Bob tells Tom that he can tell what any piece of wood is just by smelling it. Unbelieving, Tom blindfolds Bob and proceeds to test the theory. The first piece of wood Bob smells, he instantly identifies as maple. The second piece Bob instantly identifies as walnut. Tom cannot believe Bob can really do this, so he takes an old piece of wood and whispers to the secretary to rub the wood between her legs. She happily runs it up in her crotch. Tom hands the piece of wood to Bob. Bob smells it three times. "I am stumped. But I would have to guess that this wood is either a pussywillow or a shingle from a shithouse."
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Q: What's the difference between a brown-noser and a sh*thead? A: Depth perception.
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Q: Why was the condom flying through the air? A: It got pissed off.
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Q: What did the pedophile say when he was released from prison? A: "I feel like a kid again."
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Little Red Riding Hood went to her grandma's house and found her laying in bed. Little Red Riding Hood said, "Grandma, what big eyes you have!" Grandma: "The better to see you with, my dear." Little Red Riding Hood: "Grandma, what big ears you have!" Grandma: "The better to hear you with, my dear." Little Red Riding Hood: "Grandma, what a big mouth you have!" Grandma: "Of course I do, have you seen Grandpa's d**k?!"
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If I wanted to hear from an a**hole I would fart.
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What's green and eats nuts? Syphilis.
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Fart Glossary: ART FART= it's such a beauty you want to immortalize it on canvas. ARROGANT FART= When you think your farts don't stink. ASSUALT FART= A sudden attack that shoots virtual flames out your arse. TIRE FART= You can't control the blow out. BEER FARTS= These come out of every 'can' and smell like warm beer. JAIL FART= Been doing time inside you for quite awhile, and finally makes its great escape. DONKEY FART= Your ass is the only one that can do it. GHOST FART= You can't hear it, you can't see it, and you can't smell it. HOME ALONE FART= When you're home alone and a great one is wasted on no one. SHOE FART= When you bend over to tie your shoe laces and one escapes. TANK FART= When you refer to your farts as 'gas'. OLD FART= You know how old it is by how bad it smells. BRAIN FART= You need to fart, but nothing comes out. ALZHEIMER FART= A confused fart that heads the wrong way, and becomes a burp. NOT-ME FART= When you drop a bomb in a crowded elevator, turn around to the person behind you and give a disgusted look and whisper "PIG!" U.F.O. FART= When someone farts in crowded room, label it as a "Unidentified Foul Odor".
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One day two deaf-mutes meet on the street. They had been friends in school but had lost touch over time. They used sign language to catch up on old times. Through the course of conversation one of the deaf-mutes learned the other had learned to speak and was no longer mute. This amazed the fellow that was still mute and he asked about the procedure. His friend gave him the doctor's card and went on his way. The deaf mute wasted no time and went straight to the doctor's office. The doctor informed the procedure took 26 days and cost one million dollars. The man handed the doc his insurance card and begged the doctor to start the treatment that day. The doctor had the man strip and lay over the examination table. The doctor went to his closet and took out a bucket of mayonnaise and a broom handle with a door knob on the end. The doc got a running start and shoved the mayonaise covered door knob up the deaf-mute's ass. The mute screamed,"AY!AY!AY!" The doctor said,"very good we will work on the B's tomorrow."
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