Why do moths fly with their legs open?
Cause they've got huge mothballs!
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Bill O'Reilly and his chauffeur accidentally hit and kill a farmer's pig while driving through the country.
O'Reilly tells the chauffeur to apologize to the farmer.
They drive up to the farm, and the chauffeur goes inside.
He is gone for a long time.
When the driver returns, he explains his long absence, "Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife made me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses."
"Why were they so grateful?" O'Reilly asks.
The chauffeur replies, "I don't know. All I told him was that I was Bill O'Reilly's driver and I'd just killed the pig."
A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo.
They are standing in front of the big silver back gorillas cage when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation. He grabs her, yanks her over the fence, and takes her to his nest in the pen.
There he ravishes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital.
Her friend, deeply concerned, visits her the next day.
“Are you hurt?” she asks.
She replies, “Of course I’m hurt! He hasn’t called! He hasn’t written!”
Chuck Norris could stab you with a worm.
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A tourist on a farm asked the farmer why one pig had a wooden leg.
The farmer said, "That pig is the bravest pig I ever saw."
"So why does he have a wooden leg?" the tourist asked.
"One night, our house caught on fire, and he came inside and woke us all up."
The tourist asked again, "So, why does that pig have a wooden leg?"
"You can't eat a pig that brave all at once!"
Piranhas in the aquarium: sink your finger, lose your finger-game!
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Q: What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year the dog is still happy to see you.
What did Mariah Carey really wanted to sing: "All I want for Christmas is you... to get hit by a reindeer."
Which is the most dangerous animal in the Northern Hemisphere?
Yak the Ripper.
Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A: An Investigator
A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.
The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?"
The mother said, "Well, maybe that’s something you could ask the stewardess."
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain it to you."