My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.
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John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?
Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?
A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights of a patrol car behind them.
When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said,
"I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn't have your seat belt fastened."
The man said, "I did too have my seat belt fastened. I just loosened it when you came up to the car."
The Patrol Man said to the man's wife, "I know he didn't have his seatbelt fastened. Isn't that right, lady?"
She replied,
"Well, officer. I learned a long time ago not to argue with my husband when he's drunk."
After an intense high speed chase, an officer finally gets the lawbreaker to pull over.
"You know," says the cop, "I was originally pulling you over to tell you your taillight is out.
Why the hell did you take off like that?"
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
A woman was suspicious in the loyalty of her husband for a long time and she decided to make him jealous.
"My love, what would you say if I was having sex with your best friend?"
"I'd say you're a lesbian!"
Q: Why did the married man sell his complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica?
A: He didn't need them any longer his damn wife knows everything.
I joined Bachelors Anonymous.
Every time I feel like getting married they send round a woman in curlers to nag me for a while.
A married couple had gotten into an argument and for many days had not been talking to each other.
Instead they were writing notes back and forth.
One evening the husband walked up to the wife and handed her a note that said, “Wake me up tomorrow at 6 in the morning.”
When he woke up the next morning it was 9.
He immediately got angry with his wife and turned around to speak to her.
On her pillow was a note that said, “Wake up, it’s 6!”
Once there were three men, Dave, John, and Sam, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died.
As they stood at the gates of heaven St. Peter came up to them and said, "You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly."
St. Peter looked at Dave and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up Dodge."
Next St. Peter looked at John and said, "You, were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota stationwagon."
St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari."
A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam’s Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying.
"What’s wrong, Sam?" they asked.
"You got the Ferrari! You are set forever! Why so down?"
Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, "I just saw my wife go by on a skate board."
Three guys talk in a bar.
Two discuss how they are king in their castles and how much their wives respect them.
The third guy remains quiet.
Finally, one guy turns to the quiet guy and asks, "What about you? do you rule your roost?"
The quiet guy says, "Well, just the other night, my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
"What happened then?" they ask.
"She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"