Q. Why did the ant fall off the toilet seat?
A. Because he was pissed off!
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A man asks a farmer near a field, "Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train."
The farmer says, "Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you'll even catch the 4:11 one."
A rattle snake bit Chuck Norris in the leg and the snake died instantly!
Three sons left home to make their fortunes, and they all did very, very well for themselves.
They got together recently and were discussing what they each had done to benefit their aging mother.
"Well," said the first one, "I bought Mom a huge house in Beverly Hills."
"I bought her a Mercedes and hired a full-time driver for her."
"I've got you both beat," said the third. "I bought her a miraculous parrot that can recite any Bible verse you tell it to."
A little later, the mother sent out a thank you letter to all three sons.
"Gerald - the house you bought was too big.
I only live in one room, but I have to clean the entire house.
Milton - the car is useless because I don't go anywhere because I'm too old.
But Robert - you know exactly what I like.
The chicken was delicious."
What happened to the frog's car when his parking meter expired?
It got toad!!
Which rabbit stole from the rich to give to the poor?
Rabbit Hood.
Cats took many thousands of years to domesticate humans.
When is the best time to fake an orgasm?
When a rottweiler is humping your leg.
What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs?
An elephant with diarrhea.
Q: What's worse than having termites in your piano?
A: Crabs on your organ.
Two neighbors are talking to each other.
First neighbor: Do you know that my dog is so smart, he waits for the newspaper to drop at the doorstep and then delivers it to me?
Second neighbor: Of course, I know that very well.
First neighbor: Really, well then, how?
Second neighbor: My dog came and told me.