Q. Why did the ant fall off the toilet seat? A. Because he was pissed off!
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."
Yesterday I saw a man trying to chat up a cheetah. ‘Hello,’ I thought. ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.’
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener? A lawn moo-er.
A man sat at a local bar and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating." "What a coincidence," said the woman next to him. I'm celebrating, too" she replied, clinking glasses with him. "What are your celebrating?" "I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile." "What a coincidence, the woman said. For my husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked. "I switched cocks," he replied. "What a coincidence," she said.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, faces like yours belong in a zoo. Don't worry I'll be there too, not in the cage, but laughing at you.
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on top of a cliff. A magical bird flies to them and tells them that each one of them can jump off the cliff and wish to be one thing to fly away on. They will become that thing and can escape from their arduous situation. The redhead goes first. She jumps and says "eagle!". She turns into an eagle and flies away. The brunette jumps off and says,"hawk!" she turns into a hawk and flies away. The blonde takes a running start, trips on a rock as she nears the edge. "Oh crap!" she yells.
Why do elephants squirt water through their noses? If they squirted it through their tails, it'd be very difficult to aim.
How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end? It was won by a hare.
Using a novelty invisible dog leash and collar Chuck Norris won the Westminster Dog Show.
When Chuck Norris walks into a room, the mice jump on chairs.