Q: What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common?
A: One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.
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One day, an old guy gets on a bus. Several minutes later a punk kid with red, green, and orange hair gets on.
The kid notices that the old man keeps staring at him.
"What you staring at, old man?
Ain't you ever done anything wild in your time?"
"Yeah. I screwed a parrot once.
I was wondering if you were my son?"
Q: If a horses foot covers 2 acres of land, what will his tail cover?
A: His ass!
My 1st time having sex. I suddenly stopped and didn't move.
She: "What are you doing?"
Me: "I've seen this on YouPorn, it's called Buffering.
My girlfriend always calls me a pedophile, and all I can think is "Wow that is a big word for a nine year old."
A man gets the words 'I love you' tattoed to his penis.
He goes home and shows his wife. His wife says, "Don't try to put words into my mouth!"
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A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.
Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant.
Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back.
I'll take care of expenses."
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart
attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER.
The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"
Listening to censored hip-hop is like going to a whore for a hug.
My girlfriend came out of the shower and said, "I shaved my pussy you know what that means?"
I said, "Yeah the fucking drain is clogged again."
A big city doctor visits an Indian tribe full of men, he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"
"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you."
The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey.
One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first."
The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey.
Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc?"
"We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."