When do boys ask for a girl’s hand?
When they get bored by theirs!
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A lecturer who was drunk walked in a class.
Ater few minutes he wanted to urinate, he ran out and open a zip slowly, so that he may urinate.
After urinating, that's when he realized that the zip he opened was for a jacket.
Daughter: Dad, this guy told me the sweetest thing ever.
Me: What's that hunny?
Daughter: He said I had nice bumper lights, and a nice trunk.
Me: Tell that niggie if he fills up your gas tank, I'll break his exhaust pipe, ya dig?
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A man asks a guy if he likes fishdicks, the stupid guy answers like this because he thinks that he said fishsticks so he says,
"Yes, I Love them."
Then the man asks him again and says "Do you like having them in your mouth?"
Then the stupid Guy answears like this "Yes I like them in my mouth says the stupid guy confused"
Then the man says "What are you, a gayfish?"
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One day a group of engineers got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God.
They picked one engineer to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.
The engineer walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."
God listened patiently to the man and after the engineer was done talking, God said, "Very well! How about this? Let's have a man-making contest."
The man replied, "Okay, great!" But God added, "Now we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
The engineers said, "Sure, no problem."
He bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God just looked at him and said, "No, no, no. Go get your own dirt!"
The manager hired a new secretary.
She was young, sweet and polite.
One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.
While leaving the room, she courteously said, “Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?”
He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.
He decided to have some fun with his new employee.
Calling her in, he asked, “By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?”
The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, “Why, no sir. all I saw was a little, disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!”
An FM station has a competition where they ring someone up and ask them three personal questions.
Then they ring their spouse or partner and ask them the same three questions.
If the answers are the same, the couple wins a holiday to Bali. Last week the competition went like this:
Presenter: Hello, it's XXX-FM, do you want to play the game?
Brian: Yeah, sure.
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 — when was the last time you had sex?
Brian: Oh, mate. Well, about 8 o'clock this morning.
Presenter: And how long did it go for, Brian ?
Brian: Oh, about 10 minutes.
Presenter: 10 minutes?
Good one.
And where did you do it, mate?
Brian: Oh, mate, I can't say that.
Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here, Brian !
Brian: Okay, okay...on the kitchen table.
Presenter: (much laughter). Good one, Brian. Now, is it okay for us to call your wife?
Brian: Yeah, all right.
Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you?
Sharelle: Hi. Good, thanks.
Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line, say hello.
Sharelle: Hi, Brian.
Brian: Hi, Sharelle.
Presenter: Now, Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.
Brian: Just tell the truth, honey.
Sharelle: Okay.
Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex ?
Sharelle: Oh, no, I can't say that on the radio.
Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.
Sharelle: Okay. About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.
Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle?
Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co-Presenter: That's close enough...Brian was just being a gentleman.
Presenter: Okay, Sharelle — final question.
Where did you do it?
Sharelle: Oh, no I can't say that. My mum could be listening.
No way, no.
Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.
Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway.
Just tell them.
Sharelle: Oh, all right. Up the arse!
Radio Silence — Advertising
Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live here, and sometimes these things happen. We've given Brian and Sharelle the holiday. Now we'll take a music break.
My friend over there really wants your number so he knows where to get a hold of me in the morning.
Q: How do you know a gay guy has farted?
A: He needs to change his pants afterward.
A man was shaving in the bathroom when all of a sudden bubba, the boy he payed to mow his lawn comes in to take a piss.
Well, the man cant help but look over his shoulder and he is surprised, "bubba, whats your secret?"
Bubba says"well, every night before i go to get in bed with a woman i whack my dick on the bedpost three times." So the man decides to try it that very night.
So he got to bed and whacked his dick on the bedpost three times and the wife wakes up and says"bubba, is that you?"