What is the difference between turkey and mother-in-law? There is no difference: both are the best when they are cold on the table.
My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black — that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine. I guess that was why several of us died of tuberculosis.
Latecomer: Am I too late for the bonfire? Host: No jump up there on the sticks, there is room next to that Guy.
Q: What did one female terrorist say to the other? A: "Does my bomb look big in this?"
How do you stop a baby crawling round in circles ? Nail its other hand to the floor.
Why did the cannibal live on his own? He was fed up with other people.
Bubba dies in a fire and his body is pretty badly burned. The morgue sends for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, to identify the body. Daryl arrives first, and when the mortician pulls back the sheet, Daryl says, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over." The mortician rolls him over, and Daryl says, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thinks this is strange. Then he brings Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer takes a look at the face and says, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolls him over and Gomer says, "No, it ain't Bubba." The mortician asks, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two a**holes." "What? He had two assholes?!" exclaims the mortician. "Yup, every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"
Q: What's the difference between Jesus Christ and a painting of Jesus Christ? A: It only takes one nail to hang a painting.
A Mexican and a nigger are riding in car. Who's driving? A cop!
The crusty old managing partner finally passed away, but his firm kept receiving calls asking to speak with him. "I'm sorry, he's dead," was the standard answer. Finally, the receptionist who fielded the calls began to realize it was always the same voice, so she asked who it was and why he kept calling. The reply: "I used to be one of his junior associates, and I just like to hear you say it."