What is the difference between turkey and mother-in-law? There is no difference: both are the best when they are cold on the table.
What's the difference betwee Elton John and Princess Diana ? One's composing, the other is decomposing.
Why is Hitler never invited to BBQ's? He always burns the franks.
Bill Gates goes to purgatory. St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go". First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds. Bill chooses Hell. About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons. Bill says to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?" St. Peter replies, "That was just the screen saver."
The best thing after an intensive argument is the peace-sex. But I hate when I argue with my father-in-law.
What's red and crawls up your leg? A homesick miscarriage.
What's got four wheels, smokes and squeals? A bus load of babies on fire.
What did the Boston Marathon bombers do that Hitler couldn't? Ended a race.
Someone going to work sees a crowd of people walking. Looking at the beginning of course, he sees a coffin behind a gentleman with a little dog followed by the crowd. Approaching the owner and he asks him: "What happened here, man?" "Pff, my mother-in-law died," he said. "Hush how sad eh… And, if allowed, how?" "My dog bit her…" "You don't tell me! Could you lend him to me just for tonight?" "Get in line!"
A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?" "Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"