What is the difference between turkey and mother-in-law? There is no difference: both are the best when they are cold on the table.
Me: "Here comes the airplane!" Baby: Opens mouth. Me: "OH NO! It's the Taliban!" Hits baby in the forehead with the spoon. "KA-BOOM"
What does a skeleton say when he wants to eat? Bone appetit!
Q: What's the only thing faster than a black man running away with your TV? A: His son running away with your VCR.
Q: What was Hitler's favorite toy as a kid? A: An Easy-Bake Oven.
What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive? Popeye almost killed him!
How do you get a baby to run faster? Chase it with the lawn mower.
What's the last thing that went through Princess Diana's mind? The dashboard.
Q: What do black people smoke? A: Niggerettes.
My friend's father died last night so I asked him "What was the cause of his father's death?" He said, "A bus passed over his finger!" I laughed and told him: "It is not a suitable cause." My friend said: "When the bus crashed, his finger was on his nose!"
A Liberal died and a friend went around collecting for a fund for his funeral. A woman was asked to donate ten dollars. "Ten dollars?" she said. "It only takes ten dollars to bury a Liberal? Here's a hundred - go bury 10 of them!"