There was a 3 car accident in Mexico yesterday, 84 people were found dead.
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Join the Army, meet some fascinating people, then kill them.
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What's worse than finding a dead baby on your pillow in the morning?
Realizing you were drunk and made love to it the night before.
W: Where did Lucy go during the bombing?
A: Everywhere.
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On the day of my big job interview I woke up late.
Frantically I threw on a suit.
"OH NO!" I thought. "MY TIE! My Dad was out of town and wasn't there to help me, and for the life of me, I did not know how to tie a tie!"
I grabbed a tie and ran out the door.
"Excuse me sir," I said to the crossing guard, "I have an important job interview, can you please help me make this tie?!"
"Sure," said the guard, "just lie down on this bench."
Well if someone was going to help me I wasn't going to ask any questions.
After he finished and the tie looked good I just had to ask why I had to lie down.
"Well in my previous job I learned how to tie ties on other people when they were lying down." he replied.
"What was your previous job?" I asked incredulously.
"I ran a morgue." was the reply.
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Q: What's blue and doesn't fit?
A: A dead epileptic.
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Hitler: I asked for a glass of juice, not gas the Jews!
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Question: What should a man do if his wife runs into the room during a baseball match and keeps disturbing you?
Answer: Shorten the chain.
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Q: What do you tell someone you didn't see at New Year's Eve?
A: I haven't seen you for a year!
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My aunt died, God bless her, at a ripe old age of 104.
We called her Aunt Tique.
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What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off.
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