"Agent spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk.
Seeing that she didn’t back off he asked her name.
"Carmen," she replied.
That’s a nice name," he said warming up the conversation,
"Who named you, your mother?"
"No, I named myself, she answered.
"Oh, that’s interesting. Why Carmen?"
"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes.
"So what’s your name?" she asked.
"Beersex."
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A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and asks the barman “Can I have a drink for me and one for the road?”
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
He only brought enough money for one beer though.
As hes drinking his beer, which was quite expensive, he realizes how bad he has to go to the bathroom.
Not wanting anyone to drink his expensive beer, he takes out a 3x5 note card and writes on it, "I SPIT IN THIS BEER", and walks to the bathroom.
When he comes back about 15 minutes later, theres another 3x5 note card next to his beer saying, "I SPIT IN IT TOO".
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild.
The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No. What did that stupid monkey do this time?" says the patron.
"Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole" says the bartender.
"Yeah, well I hope it kills him because he's been driving me nuts," says the patron.
The guy finishes his drink and leaves.
Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again.
While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar.
He grabs one, sticks it up his butt, then pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"What now?" responds the patron.
"Well, he stuck a peanut up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it" says the bartender.
"Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron.
"Ever since he ate that darn cue ball he measures everything first!"
Q: Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan?
A: Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke!
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink.
When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.
Q: Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan?
A: Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke!
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
An Irishman is really, really drunk, so the bar keeper walks up to him and says:
"Right, you've had enough, go home..."
So the irishman gets up off his stool and falls flat on his face, so he says:
"Ok, ai'll crawl outside instead, to sober up a bit more"
He gets outside, and falls flat on his face, so instead he crawls the four streets to his home.
when he gets home he opens the door, standing, and yet again falls flat on his face.
so he crawls upstairs into his room, stands up and falls flat on his bed and falls fast asleep straight away.
The following morning his wife wakes him up and says, 'You've been drinking again haven't you?'
The Irishman replies, 'What makes you say that?'
His wife replies, 'Well the pub just called, you've left your wheelchair there again!'
A drunk walks up to a barkeeper one day and says, "If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?"
The Barkeep says "Depends on how good of a trick it is."
The Drunk reaches into his pocket and pulls out a frog and places him behind the piano.
The frog starts to play the sweetest jazz riff the barkeeper has ever heard.
He pours the drunk his drink.
The drunk, after killing his drink says, "If I show you another trick can I have another free one?"
The barkeep says "If it is anything like that last one, you can drink free all night."
The drunk reaches into his other pocket, pulls out a rat, sets it on top of the piano, and the rat starts scatting along with the frog."
Impressed, the barkeeper starts to pour drinks as fast as the drunk can drink 'em.
After several hours, a big time Hollywood agent walks in, sees the act and franticaly asks the barkeeper who it belongs to.
The barkeeper points to the drunk who is passed out on the floor.
The agent wakes him up and says,
"I will give you 1 Million dollars for that act."
The drunks says "not for sale". The agent says, "Ok, 100 grand for just the scating rat."
The drunk say, "deal" The agent writes the check and leaves with the rat.
The barkeeper looks at the drunk and says,
"Are you nuts?
You had a Million dollar act that you just broke up for a whimpy 100 g's?"
The Drunk says, "Relax, the frog is a vantriliqist."