How the children from Chernobil count from one to hundred? On the fingers!
How do you get a baby to run faster? Chase it with the lawn mower.
How do you fit 500 babies into a phone booth? With a blender. How do you get them out? Nachos - make a dipping and snacking motion.
Q: What did one casket say to the sick casket? A: Is that you coughin'?
Q: How do you make a cat go ‘woof’? A: Soak it in petrol, and set it on fire.
Q: Why did cow cross road? A: To find to the udder side.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
A cab driver reaches the pearly gates. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven. Next in line is a preacher. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow and says, "OK, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff." The preacher is shocked and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!" St. Peter responds matter-of-factly, "This is Heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."
Q: How do you get a Jew to win a race? A: Drop a quarter at the finish line.
Strong people don't put other people down. They lift them up and slam them to the ground for maximum impact.