Mummy, mummy, why is daddy swaying in the backyard? Shut up, and give me more bullets.
First Cannibal: "Have you seen the dentist?" Second Cannibal: "Yes, he filled my teeth at dinner time."
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?" The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler." "I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield." The general said, "Drive on!" The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker." The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!" The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"
Why didn't the cannibal eat Mike Tyson? He thought he would give him a paunch!
W: Where did Lucy go during the bombing? A: Everywhere.
Old man: "Can you give me an erection?" Faith Healer: "I can make the blind see, make the lame walk and I can even cure cancer. But, I'm sorry I cannot raise the 'dead'."
What’s the difference between a dead baby and an onion. You don’t cry when you chop up a dead baby.
A Jew, a German and an American walked into a small room. The Jew never came out.
Q: Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend on the wall? A: To see her crack.
Q: Why can't orphans play baseball? A: They don't know where home is.
Steve lies dying, as Jack, his law partner of 40 years, sits at his bedside. "Jack, I've got to confess -- I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years, I'm the father of your daughter, and I've been stealing from the firm for a decade." "Relax," says Jack, "and don't think another thing about it. I'm the one who put arsenic in your martini."