A father and his son, Bobby, arrive at the local Rugby match and Dad can't find the tickets.
Dad: "Nip home and see if I left the tickets there."
Bobby: "No probs, Dad."
Half an hour later Bobby returns to his dad who is patiently waiting outside the stadium.
Bobby: "Yep, they're on the kitchen table where you left them."
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Billy and Joe were huge baseball fans.
One day, both Billy and Joe made a pact that if either of them were to die; they had to come back to the other in the form of a ghost to let the other know if baseball was played in heaven.
Sure enough, Billy dies and eventually comes to Joe one night in the form of a ghost.
A startled Joe realizes it is the ghost of his deceased friend and says "Billy, it is so good to see you...so tell me, is there baseball in Heaven?".
"Well", Billy says, "I have some good news and bad news for ya.
First the good news...YES, there is baseball in heaven!".
"Thank God!" Joe shouts...
"What is the bad news?!".
"You're pitching tomorrow."
Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm.
His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis.
"Incredible!," says his friend.
"Medical science is amazing."
Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off.
Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football.
"Incredible!," says his friend.
"Medical science is amazing!"
Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head.
Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his friend but can't find him.
He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, "Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday."
The doctor thinks for a minute and says, "Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."
One day, the Devil challenged the Lord to a baseball game.
Smiling the Lord proclaimed,
"You don't have a chance; I have Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up here".
"Yes", snickered the devil, "but I have all the umpires."
The All Blacks were playing England, and after the half-time whistle blew they found themselves ahead 50-0, Jonah Lomu getting eight tries.
The rest of the team decided to head for the pub instead of playing the second half, leaving Jonah to go out on his own.
"No worries," Jonah told them, "I'll join you later and tell you what happened."
After the game Jonah headed for the pub where he told his teammates the final score: 95-3.
"What!!!!" said a furious Josh Kronfeld, "How did you let them get three points??!"
Jonah replied apologetically, "I was sent off with 20 minutes to go."
Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their jobs.
One guy says, ''I'm a YUPPIE...ya know...Young, Urban, Professional.
The second guy says, ''I'm a DINK ...ya know...Double Income No Kids.''
They asked the woman, ''What are you?''
She replied... ''I'm a WIFE...ya know... WASH, IRON, FUCK, ETC.''
Yo mamma so small she uses a Dorito for a hang lider.
The hardest thing about prizefighting is picking up your teeth wearing a boxing glove.
Police arrested Joe Bloggs, a 27-year old white male and resident of Wimbledon UK, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday.
Bloggs will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that after a night of drinking, as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop.
"You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles.
At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.
Bloggs went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, poked a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."
"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Bloggs apparently failed to notice the Wimbledon Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer B.T. approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said Officer BT. "I walked up to (Bloggs) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin".
BT went on to describe what happened when she approached Bloggs:
"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me, sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'
He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said,
'A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?'"
An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River.
Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.
On the big day, they were as ready as they could be.
The Japanese team won by a mile.
Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged.
Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found.
A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of "Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action.
Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering.
The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure.
After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough rowing."
To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer.
"We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That ought to do it.
The next year the Japanese team won by two miles.
The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.
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