Joke #2608

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955." She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "You think so? It's only 2130 now." I LOVE THAT MILITARY TIME!!

At school, a soldier spoke to Johnny's class. Johnny felt enthusiastic about joining the military, so he went home and told his dad. To his surprise, this was the biggest step forward in his life, so his dad decided to explain the military to him. "Son, I'll teach you what you need to know about the military. The Army and Navy are the only two REAL branches of our military. The Marine Corps is a cult. The Coast Guard is playing a game called 'Pretend Navy Since 1915'." So Johnny asks his dad, "what about the Air Force?" Johnny's dad explained to him, "well son, the Air Force is like a giant corporation. Just a bunch of people sitting at desks playing Flight Simulator and bullshitting with each other." By that time, Johnny was amazed and decided he wanted to join the military, but wanted to know what his daddy did. "What did you do in the military, dad?" "Well son, I spoke Chinese and shot at the Americans in Vietnam."

Chuck Norris had six kids, they were called SEAL TEAM 6.

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines. The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, “I think I’ll get up and get a coke.” “No problem,” said the Soldier, “I’ll get it for you.” While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier’s shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, “That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.” Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier’s other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston. As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. “How long must this go on?” the Soldier asked. “This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?”

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander." Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?" "Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward. NOT SO FAST, McGrath!"

An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks: "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic syphilis, Sir" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front, Sir." "Good man." says the Major. He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic piles, Sir" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front, Sir." "Good man." says the Major. He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic gum disease, Sir" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir"

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines. The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the Soldier, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier's shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier's other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston. As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" the Soldier asked. "This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass. The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"

Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb ? A: None. They can't turn them on anyway.

An Army Officer with an under-trainee Cadet went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep. Some hours later, Officer awoke and nudged his cadet. "Charlie, look up and tell me what you see." Charlie replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Officer asked. Watson pondered for a minute and in order to impress his officer said "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that the lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Officer was silent for a minute, and then spoke. "Charlie, you idiot, somebody has stolen our **** tent."

Bill O'Reilly and his chauffeur accidentally hit and kill a farmer's pig while driving through the country. O'Reilly tells the chauffeur to apologize to the farmer. They drive up to the farm, and the chauffeur goes inside. He is gone for a long time. When the driver returns, he explains his long absence, "Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife made me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses." "Why were they so grateful?" O'Reilly asks. The chauffeur replies, "I don't know. All I told him was that I was Bill O'Reilly's driver and I'd just killed the pig."