At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned.
One soldier mused, “Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn’t seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?”
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Yo mama is so fat, the army used her pants for a parachute.
When Chuck Norris goes to the gym the treadmill sweats.
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If you really want to loosen your pectineus, you should skip the squats and let me stretch them out.
A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, “I guess when I die you’ll come and dance on my grave.”
The cadet replied, “Not me, Sarge…no sir!
I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I’d never stand in another line!”
A Sergeant was addressing a squad of 25 and said: "I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here.
Put up your hand if you are the laziest."
24 men raised their hands, and the sergeant asked the other man "why didn't you raise your hand?"
The man replied: "Too much trouble raising the hand, Sarge."
General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army.
McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall.
They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: "So how are your men?"
"Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie."
"I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country."
"Well, my men are very brave, too."
"I'd like to see that."
So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: "Private Johnson!
I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!"
"Are you crazy?
It'd kill me, you idiot! I'm out of here!" As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:
"You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."
How are tigers like sergeants in the army?
They both wear stripes.
The Captain called the Sergeant in.
“Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones’ mother died yesterday.
Better go tell him and send him in to see me.”
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.
“Listen up, men,” says the Sergeant.
“Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers.
The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance.
Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander.”
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office.
“Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died.
Couldn’t you be a bit more tactful, next time?”
“Yes, sir,” answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with,
“Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath’s mother died.
You’d better go tell him and send him in to see me.
This time be more tactful.”
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation.
“Ok, men, fall in and listen up.”
“Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward.”
“Not so fast, McGrath!”