Joke #698

At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned. One soldier mused, “Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn’t seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?”

I got stopped by a police officer on the way here. He told me it was illegal to carry these guns in public.

An Indian chief is driving his Cadillac somewhere at Nevada. Suddenly his car gets broken. He examines it, and reveals that a technician must be called. But the chief has only $4, and no credit card. So he gathers some wood, makes a fire and signals his tribe with its smoke: "Hey, send somebody to my location with $500!" The tribe accepts this signal, but to make sure in its meaning, signals back – once again, with the smoke: "OK, chief, but why so much?" At this moment a ground test of nuclear bomb is being held on the test field nearby. A huge mushroom-like cloud of smoke rises into the sky... The tribe signals: "Ok, Ok, chief, we just wondered, why to be so angry?"

How do you drown a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.

Strong people don't put other people down. They lift them up and slam them to the ground for maximum impact.

Do you squat here often?

When Chuck Norris goes to the gym the treadmill sweats.

A bulletproof jacket is an imitation of Chuck Norris' beard.

What is height of Activelaziness? Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.

Girl, do you need to get your protein macros up? Because I'd gladly put my meat inside you.

‘What were you in civilian life, soldier?’ ‘Happy, sir.’