Police officer: Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle.
Dog owner: Are you crazy? My dog can’t even ride a bicycle.
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A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers.
At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes.
When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off.
When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test.
The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.
The cop says, "How is this possible?"
The guy says,"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude.
He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.
The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"
"A bird," the guy replied.
The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.
When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain.
When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know.
I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."
Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?"
After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him?
Nothing.
I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."
Your nails are so long when you come around the corner the police arrested you for dangerous weapons.
Little Johnny walks a cow through the village square.
The mayor sees him and asks, "Hey Johnny, where are you going with the cow?"
"I'm taking her to the bulls so she would get impregnated," answers Johnny.
The mayor is shocked, "Surely your father had better be doing that?"
Little Johnny thinks about it for a bit and shakes his head, "Nah, I think it's really best left with the bulls."
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Hardest job in the world: police sketch artist in China.
Why did the policman cry? because he couldn"t take his Panda to bed!
This blonde cop stops a blonde driver and asks for identification.
The blonde driver looks all around in her purse and can’t find her license. “I must have left it at home, officer.”
“Well, do you have any kind of identification on you?” asks the cop.
The blonde takes out a pocket mirror and says, “I do have this picture of me.”
“Let me see it,” says the cop.
She holds up the mirror and looks in it.
Then she says, “Sorry. If I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have stopped you."
A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line.
"Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
You might be a redneck if a police officer pulls you over to ask for your driver's license and your address is the county jail.
Police: Where do u live?
Me: With my parents.
Police: Where does ur parents live?
Me: With me.
Police: Where do u all live?
Me: Together.
Police: Where is ur house?
Me: Next to my neighbors house.
Police: Where is your neighbors house?
Me: If i tell you u wont believe me.
Police: Tell me
Me: Next to my house...