Lifting weights have really helped me with the ladies - the last five I raped didn't stand a chance.
Black humour is like a pair of legs. Not everyone has it.
Patient: "Doctor, my son has swallowed a pen. What can I do?" Doctor: "Use a pencil till I come to see your son."
Old man: "Can you give me an erection?" Faith Healer: "I can make the blind see, make the lame walk and I can even cure cancer. But, I'm sorry I cannot raise the 'dead'."
When you're driving and Nicki Minaj is on all 3 radio stations at the exact same time, there's nothing left to do except crash your car.
Q: What did one casket say to the sick casket? A: Is that you coughin'?
This could be considered the ideal world for many men: His son on the cover of a box of Wheaties. His mistress in the centerfold of Playboy. A picture of his wife on the milk carton.
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''
What happened when the cannibal bit off a missionary's ear? He had his first taste of Christianity!
How do you fit 500 babies into a phone booth? With a blender. How do you get them out? Nachos - make a dipping and snacking motion.
Why are test tube babies the most beautiful ones? Because they're hand made.