Lifting weights have really helped me with the ladies - the last five I raped didn't stand a chance.
Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. “I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered. “What did he say?,” asked the nurse. “OOPS!”
Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb? A: I don't know, there are twenty in my basement, and my basement light still isn't fixed.
What's worse than finding a dead baby on your pillow in the morning? Realizing you were drunk and made love to it the night before.
Q. What do Ethiopians and Yoko Ono have in common? A. They both live off dead Beatles.
A woman gave her two sons to different families for adoption. One goes to an Egyptian family and called Amal. The second child goes to Spain and is called Juan. Many years later, Juan sends his mother a photo of himself. She turns to her sister saying that she wished that she had a photo of her other son. The sister responded "Hey, they are identical twins. If you have seen Juan, you have seen Amal."
"If I could be someone for one day I would be Justin Beiber and run off a cliff"
Q: What did the cannibal do once he dumped his lady friend? A: He wiped his bottom.
Woman patient: "Doctor I was suffering so much that I wanted to die." Doctor: "You did the right thing to call me."
If you throw a kitten out of a moving car, would it be considered kitty litter?
"Daddy, there is a man at the door. He says he is collecting for the nursing home." "That's perfect. Tell him grandpa is coming in a moment."