What sits in the kitchen and keeps getting smaller and smaller? A baby combing it's hair with a potato peeler!
Q: What's the best thing about ISIS jokes? A: The execution.
A man wakes up and finds himself in a hospital room, one with only himself in it. He has no recollection of how he got there. While pondering it, his bedside phone rings, and he answers it. A doctor on the other end identifies himself, and tells the man: "I have really bad news. You're very sick. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, and got the results back this morning. I'm afraid you have Avain flu, Ebola, and you're positive for HIV and hepatitis." Stunned, the man asks "Well, what's next!? What are you going to do?" The doc replies: "Well, for starters, we're putting you on a strict diet of only pizza." The patient asks: "Will that really help me, doctor?" "No", the doc responds. "But it's all we can fit under the door."
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine. I guess that was why several of us died of tuberculosis.
Q: How do you fit 60,000 Jews in a minivan? A: With a dustpan.
Q: What's blue and doesn't fit? A: A dead epileptic.
Q: What was so bad about being a black Jew? A: You had to sit in the back of the oven.
Did you hear that Princess Di was on the radio a couple of weeks ago? Yep, and on the dashboard, and on the window, and on the hood....
While examining the the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen. "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity." The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screams, "Schwartz is dead!"
KFC in Asia? Korean fried cat.