The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, “Now I’ll show you this frog in my pocket.”
He then reached into his pocket and pulled out
a chicken sandwich.
He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said, “That’s funny.
I distinctly remember eating my lunch.”
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It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom:
"Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may being plowing."
Twenty minutes later there was another announcement:
"Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class."
Teacher: "Alex, stop showing off. Do you think you are the teacher of this class?"
Alex: "No, Miss."
Teacher: "Then stop acting like a fool!"
Three men were using the urinals in a public restroom in DC.
The first man finished relieving himself, zipped up, strolled to the sinks and proceeded to wash his hands, using plenty of soap and water and doing a splendidly thorough job.
As he was drying his hands (with lots of paper towels), he loftily announced to no one in particular "At Harvard, I learned to be clean and sanitary."
The second gent zipped up, marched briskly to the sinks, and scrubbed his hands with much less soap and water than the first man, doing a splendidly thorough job nonetheless.
As he was drying his hands (with only one paper towel), he severely announced to no one in particular, "At Yale, I learned to be clean and sanitary, but I ALSO learned to be thrifty and environmentally conscious."
The third man finished relieving himself, zipped up, and ambled past the sinks to the door, muttering to himself, "In kindergarten, I learned not to piss on my hands."
Did anyone ever notice that "STUDYING" is a mixture of STUDY and DYING?
A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic.
The teacher says, “Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?”
The little boy thinks for a moment and says, “NONE!”
The teacher replies, “None, how do you figure that?”
The little boy says, “if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence.”
The teacher replies, “Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!”
The little boy then says, “Teacher, let me ask you a question. There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?”
The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, “Well, I guess the one sucking her cone.”
To which the little boy replies, “Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!”
What is the difference between a school teacher and a train?
The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says ‘chew chew chew’.
A student comes to a young professor's office hours.
She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
"I would do anything to pass this exam."
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
"I mean..." she whispers, "
I would do...anything."
He returns her gaze.
"Anything?"
Anything."
His voice softens.
"Anything??"
"Absolutely anything."
His voice turns to a whisper.
"Would you...study?"
Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Student: A teacher!
“Dad, can you write in the dark?”
“I think so. What is it you want me to write?”
“Your name on this report card.”
"Dad, I don't want to go to school today." said the boy.
"Why not, son?"
"Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day."
"But why don't you want to go today?"
"Because our English teacher died yesterday!"