How do the fairy-tales of the whites and the blacks differ?
The stories of whites start: Once upon a time...
The stories of blacks start: Yo, man, you won't believe what a f**k has happened to me...
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When you were in the gang then, you just had to look cool, just walk around and look like you were tough.
Someone started talking about fighting -- 'No, man, I've got to go home.'
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On the day of my big job interview I woke up late.
Frantically I threw on a suit.
"OH NO!" I thought. "MY TIE! My Dad was out of town and wasn't there to help me, and for the life of me, I did not know how to tie a tie!"
I grabbed a tie and ran out the door.
"Excuse me sir," I said to the crossing guard, "I have an important job interview, can you please help me make this tie?!"
"Sure," said the guard, "just lie down on this bench."
Well if someone was going to help me I wasn't going to ask any questions.
After he finished and the tie looked good I just had to ask why I had to lie down.
"Well in my previous job I learned how to tie ties on other people when they were lying down." he replied.
"What was your previous job?" I asked incredulously.
"I ran a morgue." was the reply.
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*Wakes up to wife and son screaming*
Me: "What are you guys yelling about?"
Them: "You're driving!"
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How do you know when a baby is a dead baby?
The dog plays with it more.
I bet my friend $5 that he would drown in the lake.
A bittersweet victory.
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A daughter wakes up at 3 a.m. and asks her mother:
"Mummy, tell me a fairy-tale."
"Daddy will get back soon and he will tell both of us a fairy tale..."
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What do you call of 6 year old with no friends?
A Sandy Hook survivor.
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A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.
The lawyer said "I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
"That's quite a coincidence", said the engineer, "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?", he asked.
Q: What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole?
A: A pedophile.
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Two clones are on a roof.
One clone pushes the other clone off.
The next day the police arrest him for making an obscene clone fall.
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