Sex without condoms is magical... A baby appears and father disappears.
Sue and Sally were discussing their sex lives. Sue said, "Mine's OK. We get it on every week, but it's no big adventure. How's yours?" Sally replied, "It's great ever since we got into S&M." Sue was surprised. "Really, Sally, I never would have guessed that you'd go for that." "Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."
One night, a couple is in the bed and the husband smoothly caresses their wife's arm... the wife is turned and she tells him: I'm sorry but I have an appointment with the gynecologist tomorrow and I want to be fresh. The husband, rejected, turns back to his bed side and tries to sleep... Some minutes later it turns again and it uncovers her wife again, he whispers to her: Have you an appointment with the dentist tomorrow too?
Why doesn't Osama bin Laden have sex with his five wives? Because every time he spreads their legs he sees Bush.
From the State where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from Texas. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy." Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom`s the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sweee-et!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, your drunk!! Hahahahaha wot a fucking LAUGH!
Man to a woman: "Do you know the difference between a blowjob and a cheeseburger is?" Woman: "No." Man: "Lets have lunch sometime…"
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea. The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no. The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?" The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"
It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
You know why Chuck Norris is always on top during sex? Because he never fucks up.
A man bought a Lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decided to test it at dinner: … DAD : Son where were you today during school hours? SON : At school (robot slaps the Son and he immediately changes his mind) Okay I went to the movies! DAD : Which one? SON : Harry Potter (robot slaps Son again!) Okay I was watching porno. DAD : What? When I was your age I didn’t even know porno! (robot slaps dad) MUM : hahahahaha! After all he is your Son! (robot gives Mum a hot dirty slap)
‘Sex for an old guy is a bit like shooting pool with a rope.’ George Burns