The reason why women will never be the ones who propose is that as soon as they get on their knees, man starts unzipping. 
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Why are test tube babies the most beautiful ones?
Because they're hand made.
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Which is the only day you you are safe in a cannibal village?
Sitter days (when they eat the baby-sitter instead)!
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Did you hear about the Easter egg hunt for the Alzheimer's patients?
They hid their own eggs!
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Q: Why are Germans bad cooks?
A: The only good one killed himself.
Latecomer: Am I too late for the bonfire?
Host: No jump up there on the sticks, there is room next to that Guy.
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How did the cannibal turn over a new leaf?
He became a vegetarian.
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Noticing a mistake in St. Peter's roster, God calls Satan; "It seems you accidentally received some of my professionals down there: a teacher, a doctor and a farmer."
"Yeah," Satan replies. "All the more for me!"
God replies, "You better send them up here immediately."
Satan says, "No way. I'm keeping them."
God says, "Send them up here, or I'll sue the horns right off you."
Satan laughs uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
I'm going to celebrate Halloween the same way I always do... by murdering a bunch of teens by the lake.
Sincerely, Michael Myers
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Fred and DooDah go to their favorite lake to fish.
After getting out on the water, DooDah hooks a huge fish, which pulls him overboard, and he drowns.
Fred is brokenhearted and goes to tell DooDah's wife the news.
She opens the door and hears Fred sing:
"Guess who drowned in the lake today? DooDah! DooDah!"
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What would it take to reunite the Beatles?
Two more bullets.
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