The reason why women will never be the ones who propose is that as soon as they get on their knees, man starts unzipping.
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first. - Steve Irwin (1962 - 2006)
What's blue and thrashes about on the floor? A baby playing in a plastic bag.
A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She’s laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready. A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations. When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: “All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?” The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: “I have no idea. We’re just painting the corridor.”
Use to be we had Bob Hope, Johnny Cash, and Steven Jobs. Now we have no hope, no cash, and no jobs. Please do not die Kevin Bacon.
Q: Why did the cannibal tax auditor get disciplined? A: For buttering up her clients.
How do you stop a baby falling down a manhole? Stick a javelin through it's head.
Q: When does a pedophile go to sleep? A: When the big hand touches the small one.
A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?" "Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"
Q: Did you hear the joke about an Earthquake and Japanese nuclear reactor? A: Not cool.
Q: How can you tell you have a really bad case of acne? A: It's when the blind try to read your face.