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A man was getting ready to close his bar for the night when a robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun.
He yells to him, "This is a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!"
The scared the man pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!"
The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!"
HE says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife and kids! I'll do whatever you say!"
The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the the man's head and says, Alright, now give me a bl*wjob!"
"Anything!" cries Banta, "Just don't shoot!"
The man starts to blow the crook.
As the crook gets excited, he drops the gun.
Man sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it back to the crook and yells, "Hold the gun, damn it! Somebody might walk in!"
A teacher was telling her students about human anatomy in a sex education class.
She took her pointer and pointed to the picture of a male and a female.
"The female has two breasts and one vagina. The male has one penis."
A little boy in the front row jumped up and said that the teacher was wrong.
"My daddy has two penises. He has a short one that he pees with and a long one that he brushes Mommy's teeth with!"
Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a dog have in common?
A: Wet noses.
Robinson came home in great excitement and said to his wife, “You’ll never believe it, dear, but I’ve discovered an entirely new position for lovemaking.”
“Really,” said Mrs. Robinson, interested at once. “What is it?”
“Back to back.”
“But that’s crazy. We can’t do anything back to back.”
“Yes we can. I’ve persuaded another couple to help out.”
What has a slice of burnt toast and a pregnant girlfriend got in common?
In both cases you wish you took it out a few seconds earlier.
My girlfriend asked me for the 7th time in a row for me to smash raw...
She must think I'm made of coat hangers.
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How do you get a Michigan girl into an elevator?
Grease her hips, and throw in a Twinkie.
A young punk gets on the cross-town bus.
He's got spiked, multi-colored hair that's green, purple, and orange.
His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags.
His legs are bare and he's wearing worn-out shoes.
His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.
He sits down in the only vacant seat that's directly across from an old man who glares at him for the next ten miles.
Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man, "What are you looking at you old fart... didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah, back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and screwed a parrot....
I thought maybe you were my son.''
Sex is like math:
Add the bed
Subtract the clothes
Divide the legs and pray you dont multiply
A young man decided after 4 years of working nonstop at a decent paying job and saving the bulk of his earnings that perhaps it was time to settle down.
He called up an old girlfriend from his high school days and she answered on the first ring.
As they spoke and reminisced about old times she said to him "Wow, this has been great, I've really enjoyed speaking with you, but I must ask, where on earth did you find my number?"
To which he replied "Honestly? I'm just as surprised as you are, I have been working as a jani tor in our old high school and just happened to see your number etched into the door of a boys bathroom stall! I'm amazed you still have the same number after all these years!"
And she responded "Well, how else was I supposed to keep in touch with all the boys I used to sleep with?"
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