Where are you going for vacation this year?
I checked my budget and decided that I didn't get tired.
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Customer: "Waiter, what’s the meaning of this fly in my tea up?"
Waiter: "I wouldn’t know sir, I’m a waiter, not a fortune teller."
If you're under the age of 25 and you think your life sucks then you better brace yourself....
Life has only given you the TIP of its Dildo.
A: Why are you late?
B: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
A: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
B: No, I was standing on it.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
Two entrepreneurs, Jack and John, decided to start a bungee-jumping business south of the border.
They went to Casa del Sol, Mexico, built a huge platform, and opened for business.
By noon the first day, they both noticed that while everyone was watching, no one was buying tickets.
Jack told John to go up and jump, so everyone could see how much fun it was, and then they would buy tickets and try it.
John jumped, almost reached the ground, and sprang back up.
Jack saw that his shirt was torn and his hair was mussed.
John came down again and sprang back up.
This time he had several bruises and his clothes were ripped to shreds.
The third time down and back up, and he had several open wounds, a broken arm, and was bruised over most of his body.
Jack quickly raised John to the platform and asked him what in the world was going on.
John replied, "I’m not sure. Do you know what 'pinata' means?"
10 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash.
Now we have no jobs, no hope and no cash.
On a beach a man shouts at another man:
Tell your son not to imitate me.
A man to his son:
Son, stop playing the fool.
Q: Wanna hear a joke?
A: Women's Rights.
If my main parachute doesn't open and my reserve parachute doesn't open, how long till i hit the ground?
The rest of your life...