Where are you going for vacation this year?
I checked my budget and decided that I didn't get tired.
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Success is like pregnancy.
Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.
Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder.
Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky.
Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I'll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, "We should really go see that together."
Q:Why is a doctor always calm.
A: Because it has a lot of patients.
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.
The Russians used a pencil.
Doctor (to the patient: "Did I not give you the medicine yesterday? Did you take it?"
Patient: "Yes, sir. But I did not drink it."
Doctor: "Why?"
Patient (Pointing to the bottle): "Because it is written on the label: 'Close the cork tightly and keep it in a cool place.'"
Somebody stole my mood ring and I'm not quite sure how I feel about that..
"What are you doing there?"
"I'm making something."
"What are you making?"
"A bomb."
"Can I help?"
"Impossible. It's a nuclear one..."
A son and the dad are walking around on the streets.
The dad stops the son and says, "Son, if you don't stop masturbating, you are going to go blind."
The son says, "Dad! I'm over here!"
Guy goes every day to the same diner, looks over the menu, and always orders the same thing: ham and eggs.
Every day, the same thing: ham and eggs.
Waitress decides to play a trick on him and scratches it from the menu.
He comes in, she says, "You know that thing you like so much? I scratched it."
"Well, wash off your hand and get me some ham and eggs."