What did the blanket say to the bed? Don't worry Ive got you covered!
How do you get a Michigan girl into an elevator? Grease her hips, and throw in a Twinkie.
What's a skunk's philosophy of life? Eat, stink and be merry.
I watched Justin Bieber get shot in CSI and my brother asked "Why are you crying?" I said "Because he didn't die in real life"
Q: How did the hail stone describe it's life? A: It really has a lot of ups and downs.
If you see me smiling, I'm probably thinking of doing something evil. If I'm laughing, I've already done it.
Three boys walk through the woods and suddenly hear cries for help. They follow the sound to the lake and see George W. Bush drowning. The boys jump into the water and drag him to shore. Bush asks the boys how he can repay them. The first boy says, "I want a boat." The second boy says, "I want a truck." The third boy says, "I want a nice tombstone." Bush asks, "Why is that?" The boy says, "Because when my dad finds out I helped save you, he's going to kill me."
If they bring shrimp home on shrimp boats, fish home on fish boats, and clams home on clam boats, what do they bring crabs home on? The Captains Dinghy!
Chuck Norris doesn't need oxygen tanks when scuba diving. He simply sucks all the life out of the ocean to breath.
Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress only yourself. Moral: In life no one helps you once you're fucked.
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."