Daddy to his son:
I don't care if you are dating a black girl - they are all pink on the inside.
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Two strangers meet on a golf course and decide to play together.
One man says, "I'm a salesman.
What about you?"
"I'm a hit man for the mob," replies the second man.
He pulls out a high powered rifle loaded with scopes and sights.
He then asks the man where he lives.
Nervously, the first man replies, "In a subdivision just west of here. Gray roof, yellow siding."
"You got a silver compact and a red pickup?"
"The compact is my wife's car, but that's my buddy Jeff's truck."
The hit man looks through the scope again. "Well, they're going at it like teenagers in your bedroom."
"I want you to shoot her in the head and shoot him in the balls."
The hit man says, "I get paid $5,000 per shot."
"I don't care! Just do it!"
The hit man takes careful aim and says, "This is your lucky day.
You're going to get a two for one!"
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Black humour is like a pair of legs.
Not everyone has it.
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A woman is speaking to her friend, ‘My husband has got one foot in the grate.’
‘Don’t you mean one foot in the “grave”?’ says the friend.
‘No,’ replies the woman.
‘He wants to be cremated.’
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A nun and a priest decide to take a day off, so they go golfing.
The nun gets a hole-in-one, but the priest hits it into a sand trap.
He's so angry, he shouts "God dammit, I missed!".
The nun reminds him not to take the Lord's name in vain, and the priest apologizes and tries again.
He hits it into the rough, and in his anger, shouts "God dammit, I MISSED!".
The nun once again tells him not to take the Lord's name in vain, and he apologizes again.
On his third shot, he hits it into the water and yells "GOD DAMMIT I MISSED!" and before the nun can say anything, a bolt of lightning strikes the nun, killing her instantly.
Out of nowhere, a loud voice booms "God dammit, I missed".
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What's the best way to pick up a Jewish girl?
Bring a dustpan to Auschwitz
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My Chinese friend got really sick one day and had to go to a hospital.
I went to see him the next day, but he just kept whispering "Chun Yu Yan" over and over – and then died.
I was very sad and googled his last message after the burial.
Apparently, it means "You're standing on my oxygen tube."
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A few days after her husband's death, a grieving widow accidentally receives an e-mail from a man waiting for his wife in Miami.
The e-mail reads:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in.
Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
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Why didn't the cannibal eat Mike Tyson?
He thought he would give him a paunch!
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Q: How do you make a cat go ‘woof’?
A: Soak it in petrol, and set it on fire.
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Mummy, mummy, why is daddy swaying in the backyard?
Shut up, and give me more bullets.
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