At the Court discussion between judge and villager: So you was propeling surrogate alcohol? Me? No! What do you mean no? You have a device for that... means propeled. Then please judge me also for rape... So you have raped someone also? Well no... but I have a device...
Q: What’s the definition of a pessimist? A: A pessimist is a well-informed optimist.
I am often asked, "Is google a man or a women?" My simple answer is: It's a woman because it won't let you finish your sentence without making a suggestion.
You know what I was thinking about right now? What it would be like to have six fingers....high fives would be different.
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the legs, " ;because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because Im responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work... The ass hole is usually in charge.
Originally it was called 'Chuck Norris Mode' but he decided to let god have that one because Chuck Norris is humble like that.
Q: What fragrance makes you laugh? A: Essense of humor.
"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade." "Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?" "Yea, I shaved with the electric razor."
Chuck Norris doesn't have a beard by choice, even the jaws of life can't cut it.
Waiter, what is this stuff? That's bean salad sir. I know what it's been, but what is it now?
Whats the difference between a jeweler and a jailer? One sells watches and one watches cells.